The proverbial dear john letter for work

XXX,

I will be departing XXX on August 27, 2008. It’s time for a change in scenery. When I entered college, I wanted my career to take me places that I couldn’t imagine. That’s why I’ve decided to become an astronaut. Undoubtedly, this career change will help me pursue my goal.

I don’t know if you read the recent story on C|Net, but NASA is hurting for spacepeople. I always wanted to serve my country; I just didn’t have the nerve to serve in the military. Finally I can make the United States people proud and do my duty.

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin have nothing against me. Frankly, I could take either one of those guys in a fight. We both know the moon landing was faked on a Hollywood back lot. It’s time for me to do well and show those red Russians they can’t fuck with me. Eat your heart out Putin.

Space exploration has yet to see the records I’m going to set. Has anyone ever gotten drunk in space? Doubtful. Anyone ever opened the airlock on one of their crew as a prank? Probably not; but soon to change. Has a moonman ever spacewalked just to play a pathetic romance song to prove his love for someone significant (circa John Cusak)? I think not, but that’s soon to change.

Some people complacently live their lives. Others decide to push the limits. I am one of those people that decided to push to limits. So here I go, I’m pushing the limits. See me? I’m pushing them right now. I’m pushing them harder than Michael Phelps. I’m pushing them as hard as I possibly can (thanks Mooninites).

It took a lot of alcoholic beverages to write this letter. I hope it is grammatically correct; I hope the spelling is correct, too.

I’m sure I’ll see you again. After all, our planet size dwindles in comparison to that of others in our universe. In fact, the chances of us crossing paths are more likely than me finding life on Mars. Sorry NASA, but it’s true. I’m sure I’ll see you soon.

Regards and Thanks,

B