Dear Mrs. Ronsie,

I'm sorry to have to contact you with this news, but your son is failing. Case-in-point, he has yet to turn in any work on an assignment that was distributed over two weeks ago. Let's review:

1. Come in to work stumbling-drunk. FAIL.

2. Make awesomeness happen in the office while I’m out. WELL, MAYBE, I'M CHECKING WITH SOURCES.

3. Get lucky. SIGNS POINT TO NO.

4. Have a most radical Fourth of July Weekend, possibly get arrested. PASSED, WITH FLYING COLORS, NO PUN INTENDED.

5. Insult a complete stranger. FAIL.

6. Rent The Onion Movie and write a review on the Suite. FAIL.

7. Find the new cartoon that Seth McFarlen will be producing only on the Web. FAIL.

8. Discover a new species of insect in the Pacific Northwest. FAIL.

9. Wake up one morning in Mexico, with a snake tattoo on his ass and three empty bottles of Tequila next to him. FAIL.

10. Commit at least five Seattle Clichés. Visiting the observation deck at the Needle counts. FAIL.

11. Say at least one outrageous thing on a conference call. Example, “oh man, I just laughed so hard I pooped a little.” I'LL JUST GIVE THIS ONE TO HIM.

12. Find a guest blogger to write on the Suite about how this blog has changed their life, or how it has not changed their life at all. FAIL.

13. Document all of the above on the Suite. FAIL, FAIL, FAIL.

I wish I had better news, but I don't. Unless he pulls a complete Uee in the next few days, he'll be receiving an F.

Good Day.