Stevey, we need to talk

Yesterday Jobsy released a new iPhone. “Hi, customer. We created a new product for you. It does everything the first one did, and more. A lot more. And, since you shelled out an ass-ton of money for the first one, we’re gonna charge you less for this one. As if the added features aren’t enough salt rubbed into your wounds.

I’d like to think that after the release, Bad Boy Billy Gates called up Stephen, much like a defeated presidential candidate. I hope it went something like this:

Stephen: Hello

NO RESPONSE

Stephen: Hello? Who is this? Is that you Faceberg? You little shit.

Billy: Um… Hi Stevey. It’s me, Bill.

Stephen: Oh, hi Bill. You sound down. What’s wrong? Did Malinda take away your computer again?

Billy: No no. Nothing like that. It’s… It’s… Well, it’s just… I don’t know.

Stephen: Spit it out Bill. What’s wrong? Do I need to come up to Redmond?

Billy: Well, it’s just that everything you make is so sexy and popular. Freetards rejoiced for your new iPhone. People don’t even like my new products. They tell me to just keep selling my old products because they’re easier to use.

Stephen: So? Would you expect anything less? I’m awesome; you’re not. I know it hurts, don’t worry, I’m making a product for that too. The iTherapist.

Billy: iTherapist?! What the shit? I can’t even get people excited about Windows seven and you’re packaging Therapy now?!

Stephen: Bill, calm down. You’re not doing yourself any favors.

BILLY CRYING

Billy: I just want people to like me. I want to be popular like you. I want people live bloging about my product releases—in a good way. I want it to be like it used to be, when my money made me cool and I could get arrested for speeding in my Porche.

Stephen: You know we can’t live in the past. SNAP! That’s my next product. The iPast. All your memories in a cool looking handheld device.

BILLY CRYING LOUDER

Stephen: Look, Bill, I’d love to talk, but I really have to get going.

BACKGROUND ON STEPHEN’S PHONE: “Steve, get off the phone. Come on. We’ve got kegs and hookers to celebrate the iPhone launch.

Stephen: Bill, I really need to go.

Billy: Stephen, I thought you’d want to help me. I guess not. BTW, I’ve just purchased the majority share in your company. You’ll be pitching unusable, ugly and annoying products by the end of the year.

CLICK

Stephen: Dickhead.