Dear Sir Richard Branson

I'm usually all about Americans helping Americans, but this is a time for action. Sir Richard Branson, we need your help.

We need you to start Virgin Cable and Internet in the United States.

We've dealt with Comcast, Charter and Time Warner far too long. We've dealt with service interruptions, outrageous prices and broken promises for far too long. We won't take lightly, oh we won't take lightly having our bandwidth regulated and our downloads capped. For we, Sir Richard Branson, on this the twenty-fifth day of June, two-thousand-and-eight anno domini are asking for your help.

You've conquered the music business, air travel, even soda... please, conquer the US cable market. Now, noble knight of Jolly Old, slay the beasts that are Comcast, Charter and Time Warner with your battle axe of logic and scimitar of wit - I emplore you.

Until such a time comes, I remain ever-steadfast in my devotion.

Truly Yours,

Ronsie, Esq.

p.s. If you could see fit to spare some of your lovely birds from your airlines to act as technicians, that'd be splendid.

The World Ends on Friday... or in 12 Days 14 Hrs. 54 Min.

And, 34, no 33, no 32.... Ah F it.

So, I've come to the conclusion, after reading Revelation, the Talmud and Gizmodo that the world will either end on Friday or when the Large Hadron Collider at CERN is switched on.

Why Friday you ask? I'll tell you why... right after the break.

AND WE'RE BACK! So, many of you know, unless you're living in a world devoid of any outside media, that Bill Gates will retire from Microsoft this week. By ending his streak at the helm (even when Ballmer is running things) that swashbuckler of software piracy and geek-chic originator will leave the declining company at exactly the right time... only problem is, then there's no one ot fix everything when the world has BSOD and we all go down the shitter.

If we SOMEHOW find enough people in a foreign country to troubleshoot our way through Gate's leaving, it'll only be about a week and a half longer until we can usher in the end of the world when a bunch of nerds in labcoats try to ram atoms together in a gigantic Hadron collider at CERN.

Why? Why the hell not. They built the thing and damn well intend on using it. Who cares if it could rip holes in the time-space continuim bigger than Pamela Andersons deep, gaping... huh? I can't say that? Oh well, you know where I was going. Oh yeah, her big huge BLACK HOLE. You couldn't stop me from using that one.

Needless to say, we're all F-ed DUCK AND COVER PEOPLE, DUCK AND COVER!

At least Monday is almost over.

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I hope you had the time of your life.

Well, This last weekend was commencement for many young high school and college graduates. Cheers to you guys. Or, as my brother would say, "you're fucked now." Let's face it, either you're going on to more school, finally getting a real job, or camping out in Mom's basement--none of these options scream Rawesome.

Anyway, back to what I started this post about: I attended my bro-in-law's high school graduation on Saturday. The ceremony was, well, it kinda blew goats if you know what I mean. I got to see my brother walk, which was cool and we were all proud of him. BUT, there were four student speakers. All of which clearly didn't understand what it means to speak at your graduation. One person even reverted to "oh the places you will go" by Dr. Suess. I love the doctor as much as the next guy, but come on, that's sooo 1999.

Fortunately, once we all got to the BBQ following commencement, drinking ensued. So a good time was had by all.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this. If you're a student speaker at your graduation, make it cool. Go on stage without any pants, insult everyone you wanted to insult during your four years, flip someone the bird, take a cell phone call, show up intoxicated, Streak off stage, implant profanity into your speech, just make it cool.

Congratulations class of 2008! By the power invested in me by absolutely no higher power or figure of government, I declare you approved to move on and start your lives.

This is so over

To the week of June 8, 2008:

We're through. Let's face it. You don't like me and I don't like you. It's been that way since the get-go. Fortunately I've reigned victorious over you. Despite a lot of shitty-shit this week at work, it was still successful (at least).

If I'm not getting my point across, I wrote a Eulogy for you, Week of June 8, 2008:
You're a Douche-nugget. Rest in peace... In hell.

Goodbye Week of June 8, 2008. I'm glad I'll never have to see you again.

To the week of June 16, 2008:

I've got big plans for you my friend; unlike that asshole week of June 8. You and I are gonna rock it so hard. I think I might already be falling for you, like a prepubescent tweener at summer camp. Oh man, this going to be so Rawsome.

Off to the Bat Cave. Seacrest OUT!
(ever notice Ryan doesn't actually say that anymore?)

Spot on front of iPhone not camera - IT'S JESUS!

Photo from Gizmodo.com

Even Brian Lam's minions are running stories about this smudge-looking thing on Schiller's phone.

I shipped this photo, the video and a 3D rendering over to my buddy at the University of Washington, and here's what he came up with:

IT'S FREAKING JESUS PEOPLE!

Now, we've all been calling this the jesusPhone for a while, but it turns out that the new 3G iPhone actually carries the power of Christ within it.

Here's the actual image blown up...

http://i193.photobucket.com/albums/z217/killalamf/faith/BlackJesus3.jpg

Turns out there was a bit more truth to Dogma than we thought. Jesus was a brotha!

I promise this is my last iPhone related post until launch.

Let's Talk about Text Baby

The following cellular phone text transcript was received thanks to the freedom of information act from the records of Steven P. Jobs. It was sent on June 9, 2008.

iSteve: Faceberg you dirty motherfucker, did you just see me rock that keynote like it owed me money? I had Brian Lam eating out of the palm of my hand that little shit. Let's see him talk crap about Apple now. Just wait till I introduce the iPhone 5G (yeah, we're fucking skipping over 4 - 4 is for pussies and Freetards) right before those idiots at Googledy Glop drop their Android BS.

MarkyZ1984: Who is this? IDK who u r.

iSteve: What the fuck are you doing? Why are you typing like it’s AOL in 1998. Aren’t you using the iPhone 3G I sent you last week?

MarkyZ1984: Steve? Is dat u?

iSteve: Yes, Mark. It’s me. I’m texting you from THE iPhone. The one I whipped out of my pocket and slayed the beasts with at the WWDC today. Man, you should have seen those fanboys. Even that tech guy from the Journal, who had seen this thing 2 months ago, sprouted a tiny little old-man hard on.

MarkyZ1984: Shit. Sry man. We’re hammered @ FB.

MarkyZ1984: 8008135. LOLOL.

iSteve: So, that’s why you didn’t call me for our usual post-engagement chat. I see… And, by your continued use of retarded typing, I can only assume you pawned the iPhone 3G, for more money to play the ponies, just like the other 4 iPhones I’ve given you. Correct?

MarkyZ1984: Fucking BigBrown. Lost all my $. I’m sry. : ‘ (

iSteve: You’re a shitshow kid. I’m sending a jet. You, me, Gore and Bono are going to go up to my yurt in the woods and have a good old fasion guys’ weekend. Just sweat, meditation and cactus-derived drugs. It’ll change your whole perspective on things.

MarkyZ1984: Put me down for a 20 sack.

MarkyZ1984: Sry. Wrong person.

iSteve: OK. Pack your shit kid. We’re doing this the hard way. I can’t even get one day off to launch my damn iPhone 3G without having to nanny you or Bill or Gore…

Stevey, we need to talk

Yesterday Jobsy released a new iPhone. “Hi, customer. We created a new product for you. It does everything the first one did, and more. A lot more. And, since you shelled out an ass-ton of money for the first one, we’re gonna charge you less for this one. As if the added features aren’t enough salt rubbed into your wounds.

I’d like to think that after the release, Bad Boy Billy Gates called up Stephen, much like a defeated presidential candidate. I hope it went something like this:

Stephen: Hello

NO RESPONSE

Stephen: Hello? Who is this? Is that you Faceberg? You little shit.

Billy: Um… Hi Stevey. It’s me, Bill.

Stephen: Oh, hi Bill. You sound down. What’s wrong? Did Malinda take away your computer again?

Billy: No no. Nothing like that. It’s… It’s… Well, it’s just… I don’t know.

Stephen: Spit it out Bill. What’s wrong? Do I need to come up to Redmond?

Billy: Well, it’s just that everything you make is so sexy and popular. Freetards rejoiced for your new iPhone. People don’t even like my new products. They tell me to just keep selling my old products because they’re easier to use.

Stephen: So? Would you expect anything less? I’m awesome; you’re not. I know it hurts, don’t worry, I’m making a product for that too. The iTherapist.

Billy: iTherapist?! What the shit? I can’t even get people excited about Windows seven and you’re packaging Therapy now?!

Stephen: Bill, calm down. You’re not doing yourself any favors.

BILLY CRYING

Billy: I just want people to like me. I want to be popular like you. I want people live bloging about my product releases—in a good way. I want it to be like it used to be, when my money made me cool and I could get arrested for speeding in my Porche.

Stephen: You know we can’t live in the past. SNAP! That’s my next product. The iPast. All your memories in a cool looking handheld device.

BILLY CRYING LOUDER

Stephen: Look, Bill, I’d love to talk, but I really have to get going.

BACKGROUND ON STEPHEN’S PHONE: “Steve, get off the phone. Come on. We’ve got kegs and hookers to celebrate the iPhone launch.

Stephen: Bill, I really need to go.

Billy: Stephen, I thought you’d want to help me. I guess not. BTW, I’ve just purchased the majority share in your company. You’ll be pitching unusable, ugly and annoying products by the end of the year.

CLICK

Stephen: Dickhead.

ISPs Finally Say "No" to Kiddie Porn, CEOs Wipe Hard Drives

June 10, 2008 - Wait, it's 2008 and these guys are just doing this? I thought it was a "15 years ago piece." Wow, I'm way off...

Apparently, in their infinite wisdom, Sprint, Verizon and Time Warner Cable have agreed to block access to child pornography and eliminate the material from their servers. See the story here.

Wait, wait, wait... so, nudie pics of kids aren't cool? Jeebus guys, it took you this long to get this signed-off on?

Who wants to open up the betting with which high-mucky-muck at these places will be indicted on kiddie porn charges first? My bet is on Verizon... you know that guy from the commercials has an external hard drive or two chocker-block full.

Want a Prius? Too Bad, Bill Gates Bought Them ALL!

I took a nice little trip across the Evergreen Point Floating Bridge to Redmond the other day for a meeting. I have only been to the MSFT campus a few times, and never really looked around. Everything was going well until... all of a sudden... I was surrounded by a pack of Priuses (Prii? Priusis?) branded to the hilt with MSFT's "Connector" stickers.

It's not enough that Microsoft employees can bus it to work from basically anywhere in the Greater Seattle area, now they have a fleet of Priuses (damn, someone needs to find out the plural of that word) that they can harass the cities in also?

Remember a while back when no one could buy a Prius (pfew, no plural needed) because they were in shortage? Yeah... it's because Microsoft was hoarding them in their spiffy and eco-friendly underground parking lots.

I bet they also are the ones who buy up the iPhones, just to piss Apple Fanboys off.

Another iPhone 2.0 Blog Post

I've had my differences with the mock turtlenecked one. I even opened up this page with the intent of ranting and making fun of yesterday's keynote at the WWDC... the fact of the matter is; I can't.

The iPhone 3G is F-ing amazing. It is nicer-looking, CHEAPER and they had Robert Downey Motherfucking Junior doing the voiceover for the damn commercial. I was worried we'd be introduced to the iPhone by Coldplay whining about something, so that was a definite joy.

His Steveness... you did it.

I'm already prepping my line camping gear for the release since you won't be able to pre-order, or order from the comfort of my own home office in my Scooby-Doo underoos. In the event that I'm actually forced to wait with the commoners on line at U. Village, I'll be live-blogging it on here. Get ready for the wild rumpus to begin!

And one more thing...

BOOM!

Art of the Insult

Once upon a time you could inflict moral and mental pain on someone with the simplest of insults. For example: Your momma is so fat she can't wipe her own behind. Hey, 1985 called, they'd like you to return their hair cut. I could have done that better than you if I had no hands or feet.

Unfortunately, some of those insults just don't quite cut it anymore. That's why I've taken to the philosophy that you can really rile someone's feathers by taking something as simple as a fraction and combining it with the word "retarded." The premise is so simple and elegant, anyone can become a pro at what I'm going to start calling, "the Fractard" insult.

For example, you watch someone driving their car, changing lanes without blinkers or checking their mirrors and blind spots. Pretty annoying, huh? That person is likely 1/5 retarded.

If you're in a restroom, and you see someone finish their business and leave the lavatory without washing their hands, that person is likely 3/4's retarded.

The size of the fraction determines the weight of the insult. Fully retarded doesn't work. Becuase then you're just calling someone mentally challenged, and if they really are, that's not cool. However, if you catch a competent human doing something annoying or stupid, you'd best start matching up their idiotness with the correct fraction. Keep in mind a larger fraction doesn't always mean a more impactful insult.

If you don't understand this theory, you might be 1/3 retarded.

Mr. Brightside

So, it was brought to my attention last night that I've been neglecting the Suite lately. To my dedicated readers, I apologize. There's been some recent events in the lives of the Suite 206 authors that have hampered our creative, out-of-the-package, sarcastic thinking. That said, I've managed to think up some interesting tidbits to share with you while I was driving to work this morning. Here you go:

1. To this day, my company president thinks I danced on a table in a San Francisco bar to the tune of Mr. Brightside by The Killers. I didn't. Sorry.
2. For the first time in my quarter-century life, I saw my older brother cry.
3. I cursed like an Englishman at the fat woman that cut me off on I-5 this morning. You had it coming. Who the hell pulls into the left lane at 50 MPH, with a car coming up (me) at 75 MPH, and doesn't even look in their mirror? I hope you have a flat tire waiting for you on your return commute this afternoon.
4. Work. ...Uhg.
5. I saw a life-sized, stuffed, orange camo, shark sitting outside of a building on Madison Street this morning. WTF?!
6. I am more than disappointed to find out that this is a fake video. And still, I have to remain faithful to AOTS for breaking the story in the Court of Shenanigans.
   
7. How much would you pay to watch a fist fight between Faceburg, Gates, and The Woz? I know I would pay A LOT. Man, that would be awesome and Rad. It would be Rawesome.
   

Oh no he did-n't

In the political equivalent of the "upper decker" Barack Obama gave his speech in the same St. Paul, Minnesota arena where John McCain, the Republican Party presidential candidate will accept the nomination of his party.

I'm going to take some time out to give some snaps to the speech writers... snap, snap, snap, snap (yeah, that was four). It was like a freaking Beatles concert in there with people excited to the point of tears.

Now, I'll admit it... I spent a majority of my life as a conservative, but I also grew up in Eastern Washington, so you can't hold that against me. But, Johnny boy... don't sell your condo just yet. You might not need that U-Haul you have reserved to take your stuff to 1600 Pennsylvania.

Update - 7:32 PDT
Money quote: ... religion as a wedge and patriots as bludgeons

Update - 7:53 PDT
Awesome camera work and camera placement by the Obama campaign team. At the end a lot of people stayed, but the camera angles of him rubbing elbows and shaking hands made it look like that place was still packed to the rafters.

Update - 7:55 PDT
Here's text of the speech