Twitter's Full

So, I tried logging in to Twitter today to let everyone know that I just blew my nose and what did I see? This stupid F-ing whale being ferried about by Octuplet doves or something.

How in the world am I supposed to know what my friends are doing AT THIS EXACT MOMENT? What's next? Facebook status updates?

Whoever is F-ing with my interwebs and taking away my Tweets, please stop. I'm looking in your direction Steven P. Jobs. I know you're using a lot of the cybernet for your upcoming iPhone 2 release and that you've got to keep that baby a'rolling, but come on. I'm seriously freaking out here and I just took a dump and need to let every single one of my "followers" know.

Crap, shit, crap, crap, crap.

I'm pretty sure today sucks. Actually, I know it sucks. Today sucks.

Hey, did you know today totally sucks? Yep, it sucks.

Go to hell Wednesday.

LOOK OUT! SHE'S EXCITED!

Wow... contain yourself there Hill.

Apparently (we're told from her staffers) Clinton was "ecstatic" after her win in a state that I'm told is called West Virginia. I've never heard of it or been there, so I can't confirm that.

One of the things they didn't mention was what Clinton was ecstatic about... was it that she's almost done with this charade of a candidacy? Is it that she was given the highest honor from the W. Virginia White People's Association after her incredibly racially-divided victory in that alleged state? Did she find a quarter in the couch and say "woo hoo! Now I'm only out like $9,999,999.75. Check the other cushions!"

Hill-bear, drop out now and save some face. No one thinks you're a fighter, you're kind of like the guy who doesn't "get it."

Don't you have some senator-ing to be doing anyway?

Hey, Almonds... YOU SUCK!

I know that I probably just pissed off the state of Californication, but seriously, I'm over it. Almonds have been making my life hell for quite some time and I think it's more than about time that I speak out.

You ruin my trail mix, you have these damn "Almond Rocca" things that look like candy, but you open it up and it's really a cat turd, fresh from the litter box.

You're the smug, non-tasty cousin to the peanut and I hope the peanut kicks your ass around when no one is looking.

Stay the hell out of my trail mix.

Thanks.

Don't Drink and Enter URLs

So, the other night I was a little tipsy (yeah, weird huh?) and I figured I'd surf over to our blog here to see if anyone had dropped any knowledgebombs on our comment fortifications.

I started type, typing away, hit the enter button and saw this...


Now, I've got as much Christian guilt as the next Methodist, but this weirded me out... I checked the URL box


I hope that our dyslexic friends aren't reaching this site on accident and thinking that B and I grew beards, renounced booze and moved to the Ozarks. If I can screw up, anyone can, right?

Part of me hopes that they liked our site so much (or possibly hated it so much) and realized that we are number 2 in Google hits when you type in Suite 206, that they picked an easily typoed version of our URL for their crazy, text-laden Bible site.

Perhaps we'll never know...

Eye-Fi Transmits Photos, Ruins Lives Wirelessly

So, the Eye-Fi phenomenon isn't brand new, but seriously people, this is pretty sick. Pretty sick and pretty DANGEROUS.

So, you're out with your friends on one wild weekend. You get so incredibly smashed and all of a sudden... it's picture time. You're blacked out, but somehow summon your inner Annie Leibowitz and start shooting your friends. The beer and vodka are flowing like wine and some of the girls get a little rowdy (ROW-D-Y) suddenly it's like Wild Things in there, flesh flying and bras on the rafters. You're shutterbugging it up, thinking you'll win an award for these photos even though you haven't even looked through the viewfinder once. Then everything goes black.

The next morning, awakening from under a pile of couch cushions and pizza boxes, you stumble into the kitchen to down countless glasses of water and enough Excedrin to kill a small horse. One of the girls who was "soooooooodrunk" last night saunters in, looking frantically around saying "where's that camera from last night? We need to delete those pictures NOW!"

Suddenly it all comes back to you... the flashes (of the flashbulb and the other kind), the laughing, the midgets (yeah, it was a crazy night)... then... horror.

You grab your iPhone, surf to Facebook and see it.... 121 new alerts (21 wall posts and 100 image commments).

Thanks to your Eye-Fi card, not only did you have a rocking good time, you've also become an amateur porn photographer and all your Facebook friends (including your coworkers and your little sister) have had time to feast teir eeys on the evidence since you didn't wake up until 1pm.

Thanks, Eye-Fi!

Please have a side of humble with that cheesy chicken

Dear Jerkoff in TGIFridays in the Newark Airport,

I'm no jet setter, but I feel very comfortable telling you that you're definitely not a big shot. Let's take a look why:

1. Sure, you're wearing a button up, but it screams Wallmart.
2. Your shirt in no way matches anything else you're wearing.
3. I just watched you tear a new asshole into the poor guy serving you. He was bringing you a refill and accidentally brought you a diet instead of regular (FYI, you could use the diet). He's a waiter at TGIFridays in an airport. Give him a freaking break!
4. You kept giving me the stink eye for queitly working on my Blackberry at the table next to you.

In case you're not getting my point, you're a jerk. Worst of all I bet you know it. I hope you get stuck with a middle seat for your flight.

BTW, I wrote this while sitting next to you. Then I farted next to your table while I was walking out of the airport.