Why Doesn't This Happen to Me?

A family in Centralia, Wash. woke up the other morning to find a young woman asleep in their home. She wasn’t a relative, friend or hooker (had to cover that last base, it is SW Washington). Where the hell did she come from?

Turns out this girl was dropped off here by a guy she was with the night before named “Jeremy.” Turns out the family doesn’t know a Jeremy and I’m willing to bet it wasn’t the dude’s real name.

I see the previous night going a little something like this…

3:43 P.M. --- “Jeremy” posts an ad on the Olympia section of craigslist: Hey ladies. I’m a 21 year old guy just looking for some fun tonight. Don’t have to work at the mill tomorrow and I’m ready to grab a couple brewskis, jump on the four wheeler and have a heck of a night. Here’s a picture of my junk [photo emitted]

4:15 P.M. --- “Goldilocks” replies to Jeremy’s post: Hey Jeremy. Just got off work at the Yarn Barn and saw your note. I’m definitely down for a good time. I’m laid back, blonde, 5’7’’ and I like to party. Do you like to party? I do. Call me at 253-534-xxxx.

7:45 P.M. --- Text from Jeremy to Goldilocks: Where u @? Im @ ampm. Red trk w/ roll cage.

7:58 P.M. --- Text from Goldilocks to Jeremy: Almost thre. Had 2 w8 for sitter.

9:43 P.M. --- Goldilocks and Jeremy seen at the local watering hold drinking tall cans of PBR. Goldilocks was noticeable intoxicated and was dancing on the pool table. Looked like she had done it before.

12:45 A.M. --- Jeremy comes to his senses, realizes this chick is a nutcase. Drops her off down the street from his house since she’s passed out. When Goldilocks wakes up momentarily as he’s sliding her in through the window he says “shit, my friend locked us out… just be really quiet and go back to sleep.”

9:00 A.M. Unsuspecting family wakes up to see a 18 year old blonde girl laying in their spare bedroom. Wife immediately starts hitting husband who retorts with “are you kidding me? If I was hitting that, why would I have woke up next to you this morning?”

The moral of the story here kids is: always use a fake name when you’re looking for a one-night stand.

And knowing’s half the battle.