Bernanke Pulls Head Out of Ass to Say: “We might have a recession”

Ben Bernanke, head douchebag of the Federal Reserve drug his bearded, brown suite wearing ass out of bed long enough to head up to the Hill and announce that a recession is possible.

Really?

This just in: WATER IS WET!

It’s a good thing they’re handing out those whopping $600 checks in May. I will just have to find a way to keep my utilities running until I get it.

Here's a chart showing how the GDP affects yours truly:

Comparison of GDP to Beers Drank in a Month

Check out C-SPAN next week when…

• General Petreus announces that some Iraqis might not want us in their country.
• Randy Jackson officially declares that disco is dead.
• Teddy Kennedy admits that he has a drinking problem.

And

• Clinton admits that he nailed Monica, along with 34 other interns and White House staffers.