Nobody likes a kissass

It's true. You know. I know it. Hell, I bet even the kissasses know it; but that doesn't seem to stop them.

I've been having some trouble getting my iPod to work correctly with my car stereo this week (F&^$ you Steve, I know this is your ploy to pocket my cash), so I've been listening to the 'ol radio on the daily commute. It's not that bad; in fact I've even taken a liking to a morning and afternoon show that fit perfectly with my commute (big ups to Adam Carolla and The Church of Lazlo). The problem is the kissass. You know who I'm talking about. It's the D-bag who calls in and has to tell the DJ "how much he/she love's the show and the DJ and they've been listening for years" before they finally get to what they really called in for.

To add insult to injury, the majority of these callers aren't that articulate. If you're going to kiss ass, at least do it elegantly.

So, if you're one of these people annoying the crap out of me in the morning and afternoon, you can go to hell. No one cares that you like a DJ or their radio show. If you feel so obliged to give the Jockey a compliment, send them and damn email!

Hasta La Vista MySpace

Yes, it’s true… I cut my ties with MySpace today. It wasn’t that hard of a decision in all actuality when I really looked at it.

MySpace trends much younger than my age. I’m not a sexual predator looking for my next victim. I got tired of getting friend invites from way hot girls that didn’t exist. I really don’t have a need for colored backgrounds and such.

Maybe someday I’ll go back, but I doubt it. Unless they magically find a way to kick all the advertisers, hackers and sexual predators off the site, I think I’ll stick with LinkedIn, Facebook and Naymz.

Just like AOL Chat rooms, MySpace got really old, really quick. No more ASL? or Bulletin Posts for this guy… I’m off the grid!

I Have Lost All Faith in our Country...

The media took a day off of getting their facts wrong and propagating false rumors on Saturday to dress up, boogie down, and hobnob with the Head Knob himself, George W. Bush at the White House Press Correspondents’ dinner. True to form, the guest list was a venerable who’s who of politics… James Carville, Colin Powell, Ashlee Simpson… WTF? Ashlee Simpson?

Yes people, this White House Press Correspondents’ dinner was more of a red carpet affair than the Oscars with A, B and C-listers rubbing elbows with some of the most-powerful people in the world.

I guess I get it; no one wants GW to be the dumbest person in the room, YET AGAIN, so they invite a bunch of pretty, shallow people to fill the chairs, full knowing they won’t be able to cause too much of a ruckus with their limited vocabularies and knowledge of current events.

So, when I’m President, here’s the list of people I’m going to request get an invite to the WHPCD:

· Paris Hilton (she’ll actually be my secretary of the interior… decorating)
· Carlos Mencia (because this guy is sure to say something stupid)
· Scott Baio
· Sanjaya
· Sophia Bush (the only kind of Bush I like)
· Bill Gates, but only if he wears a “Vista sucks” t-shirt
· The “Dude, you’re getting a Dell” dude
· The cast of Saved by The Bell (the original, not the New Class. That show was balls)
· Star Wars Kid
· Butch T. Cougar - he's even got a tux!
· Charlie Sheen

Other than that, I don’t really care who’s there as long as they are down for a crazy-ass time! Woo hoo!

World War III

Soldier, it's time for your briefing.

Many thought it would come at our weakest moment. Some thought it would be an inevitable battle between the U.S. and an Asian country. Others thought it would be the U.S. in the Middle East (wait a second...?). And still, others thought it would be us, and not a country at all, but rather, the terrorists.

Well, rest easy my friends. WWIII will not take the form of country versus country, years-long war that will involve the draft, WMDs, or the senseless loss of hundreds-of-thousands of lives. No, not at all. WWIII has been underway for about a week now.

Stay strong in this, our most challenging hour. We must band together like the soldiers before us. There will be but one winner in this war; and we all know who that winner will be.

Soldier, we're sending you in. We're relying on you to bring resolution to this massive conflict. The facts that you need to know:

1. B's house has been infiltrated by the vermin of our community. First and foremost, the common deer mouse. It appears the enemy has made bunker between the walls of B's Kitchen and restroom. squealing and scratching through all hours of the night, this enemy must be stopped. This enemy will use biological warfare if necessary.
   
2. The deer mouse is not alone. Unfortunately in this challenging time, an enemy of ours has joined forces with the deer mouse. It is no other than the dreaded raccoon, or Procyon lotor. Based on our re-con, the raccoon has taken nest below B's back porch with its brothers. Crawling, prowling, just waiting for it's chance to strike at a neighbor's pet or some garbage.
   

The good news, we have an alli on the inside.

Your alliance is with private Casse Cat. She will aid you in your time of most need. She knows the ins and outs of your battle field. She has studied the enemy and has the info you will need to subdue said enemy. You'll also be aided by recent technologies such as the no-kill trap for the raccoon. Unfortunately, as with any war, there will be casualties... We're bringing out a full-force mine field of mouse traps for the deer mouse and his army. It's sad, but no one ever said war was pretty.

Stay strong, soldier. We need you. Your country is counting on you; as are the inhabitants of B's house. Will will have victory!

Top 5 Movies I Don’t Ever Want To Admit I Liked

I like to think of myself as a somewhat evolved lover of the motion picture arts, but sometimes I just like to watch a mindless flick. These are the top 5 movies that I previously had never admitted to liking…

Yes, I actually took this picture... let the ridicule come

Serendipity
I’m a sucker for a Cusack movie, no doubt. Add in Kate Beckinsale and I’m sold. I’m not sure what’s more lame, that I own this movie or that I went out of my way while in NYC to actually go to the Serendipity III restaurant that the main characters dine at in the flick.

Negative Guy Points: -5

Kid + Helmet = nap time

The Game Plan
I’ve been putting off seeing this one until recently, but damnit, I didn’t hate it. Special thanks to the person who made me watch it. I used to love watching the Rock crack heads with the People’s Elbow back in the day, but I’m still not 100% comfortable with seeing him in “serious’ acting roles. However, a couple more movies like this and I’ll actually think the guy has a future.

Guy Points: -13

One of these kids will grow up to be in porn... which will it be?

Any Harry Potter Movie
I talked a lot of crap to my fraternity brothers who read the books and discussed the finer points of Hogwarts over pitchers of beer at Shaker’s, but I can’t really hate too much. There’s something about a coke bottle-glassed kid and magic that gets me going!

Guy Points: -1 (there are some good merits to these movies)

Ummmm... yeah

Mean Girls
Come on. We all know why I like this… because Tina Fey wrote it, jeez people. How old were those girls when they made this anyway? Probably not 18. Plus, I’m a big fan of using a bus to solve problems at any point in a story arc, just ask my roommate. I cheer when someone gets bussed.

Guy Points: with the sound on -5, with the sound off +2

I think it's weird they made a poster for guys for a movie aimed at girls

John Tucker Must Die
I don’t know why, but if this movie is on TV, I’ll watch it. I can’t explain it, but then again, I think Sophia Bush is the hottest non-teenage teenager ever.

Guy Points: with sound on -5, with sound off -1 (still not good enough to get it to the positive side)

It's Like Sleeping Around for your PC!

Just in case you want to carry your balls-out, sleep with anything with a d(or v) lifestyle over to your computing life, now you can with File-Swap.com. Just like the real thing, you don't even know what you're going to get. Where life hands you the clap, syphilis, herpes and the dreaded BABY VIRUS - you can bet on getting the iloveyou, multiple worm bots and the anna kournikova virus when you use File-Swap.com!

Simply upload any file (they don't care, as long as it's kinda cute, or they're sooooooo drunk) and you get a file back. But just remember, when you trade files with a computer, you're trading files with every computer that computer has traded files with.

Have a plan, wrap your LAN!

Wesley Snipes Dropped From TaxCut Pro Commercials

"I'm so going to get pounded in prison... I'm much too pretty"

It’s April 25, 2008 and you should have filed your taxes about 10 days ago or something. Me, being the technofile and avid internet user I am, I filed mine the day I got my tax info from my company via H&R Block online. Apparently Wesley Snipes just had far too much going on in his life, because he got his ass BUSTED (3 years in the can... haha, I said "in the can" in reference to prison) for refusing to pay taxes. It’s not like he was going to have to sit down with his calculator and figure the things out… he could pay people to do it for him. Note to all your never-dying, hybrid vampires out there: you might kill other vampires, but you still have to pay your taxes.

And, how in the hell did the government go after Snipes when we all know that dirty hippy/hillbilly Willie Nelson is off gallivanting around the country in his hippie bus smoking weed and NEVER paying taxes? Here’s a tip… look for the huge ass bus that says “WILLE NELSON” on the site of it with a constant stream of pungent smoke coming from it and a tent city of hippie-billys camped next to it. I’m sure you can serve the subpoena there.

"What're they gonna do? Tax my weed? I'm Willie Nelson BITCH!"

From Russia with Love

Yesterday I attended the M's game with a few cohorts. It was a slow, but good game--especially since we won. But the highlight of the game wasn't the action on the field, the fact that we won, or even getting to see Putz's chin merkin in full-force. Nope, it was the lovely Russian gentleman sitting next to me for the duration.

Said gentleman seemed like a fairly nice guy, although he did have a pretty small English lexicon, of which I'd like to share with you. This vocabulary included, and was limited to the following:

1. Ich-i-ro! My boi.
2. Run Forrest!
3. Oh F&*%!
4. Yeah, Mutter F*$%#@!
5. Oh S*%&
6. Yeah!
   

At least he had the basics needed for cheering on the home team and taunting the guest.

Bootcamps, bank accounts, and litl friends

I've been getting a lot of spam lately. I thought I might share some examples...

Good Morning Canadian Business Owner,

I just attended one of these bootcamps and thought you might be intrested in attending. Tell them Patrick sent you!

Would you take off in a hot air balloon with holes? Trying to patch the problem on the fly would be a lot of work.

RTN Federal Credit Union temporarily suspended your account.
Reason: Billing failure.
We require you to complete an account update so we can unlock your account.

Get your Tax Refund on your VISA or MasterCard. Please enter your Social Security Number and a valid Credit / Debit Card where you want the refund to be made.

Earth Day is Tuesday April 22nd, and many Earth Day events are happening this weekend! Not sure yet how you'll be celebrating Earth Day?

We can provide device to detect and report hazardous gas.

Say helo to my litl friend.

I am nice girl that would like to chat with you. Email me. I would like to share some of my pics.

The spoon gnomes strike again!!

Stupid F*^&%$@ email.

Mother Nature Called

She's F*%&$@# pissed. So much so she dropped snow on us here in the Puget Sound over the weekend. Now, normally snow in the Northwest wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary, but It's damn-near May! Not to mention the 79 degree day we had a week ago. WTF?

I'd like Al Gore to give me a ring today and personally explain this whole global warming thing. I'm so confused right now. With Earth Day tomorrow, could this be Old Lady Nature's way of giving Al the 'ol finger? Or is she just F-ing with us? Seriously, I'd like to know.

Tutor Girl, how's this going to work?

Readers, before you read this you’ll need the whole story. Read here. Except you Tutor Girl, I assume you know it.

You seemed okay at first. You were a regular reader. I even gave you your own post. I even sent you flowers in that post. I thought we had a pretty good relationship going—you reading this blog, me seeing increased numbers in my site statistics; which is a bigger boost in my morale than you’ll ever know.

And then you go and do this (here, have your knife back, from my back). You go around me and get my partner-in-crime all hearts-in-the-eyes. I’ll have you know he balances this blog out—me, the married guy, and him, the bachelor that stays out ‘till all hours of the morning drinking.

I just don’t know how this is going to work. Ronsie and I share the kind of love that only seriously committed hetero-colleagues can share. And now you’ve come in to the picture, stolen him from behind my back, and left me here, all alone to fend for myself. HOMEWRECKER!

Sure, Ronsie says things won’t change. “Things won’t change.” That’s what the boy in Shilo said to his dog after he spent his childhood with him and then up-and-left for college. You know what happened next in that story? Shilo died! Yep, the boy left home for bigger and better things and then his best friend the dog died. (BTW, I have a beagle at home with my Mom, which really drives this story to the heart).

Ronsie says things won’t change. Sure, at first. Things will be normal for the first few days. Then it’ll start with him going a few days between blog posts. Then weeks. Then he’ll stop posting all together. Then he’ll stop going to lunch with me. Then he’ll start making up excuses for not going to cheese steaks with me because he “has to run downtown to drop something off.” I’ll have to find someone new to start blogging with, but it won’t be the same. Site statistics will fall, as will my morale. I’ll eventually quit blogging and just be a crotchety old man in his office. I’ll swear off new media completely.

Ronsie, I already miss you. We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!

But, I guess the only way you can love something is if you love it enough to let it fly away from home. Tutor Girl, don’t you dare break his heart.

Putz's Power Comes from his Chin Merkin

In a shocking revelation, Seattle Mariner fans were struck a blow as it was revealed that the source of closer J.J. Putz's power, his soul patch, was really a merkin. Gay dudes and women who like their downstairs to look like something out of a YuGiOh comic rejoiced!

Want some fun facts I picked up in the last four days?

Too bad, I’m going to give them to you anyways.

1. Paris Hilton, I don’t care how well you deliver your “hot” line on My Name is Earl, your hotels F*$#@^! suck. I stayed in my first Hilton the other night. I don’t see what all the buzz is about.
2. Airport bar tenders are probably the most hard working bar tenders. Eat your heart out Flair Champions.
3. The average WWI airplane pilots’ life expectancy was less than 48 hours. Wow!
4. When you hear someone with an English accent saying to another person, “Is he your Robin to your Batman?” you automatically laugh.
5. Death at a Funeral. A brilliant yet under-recognized movie film for home rental.
6. If your child, sitting in front of me while in flight, smells like he shit his pants it’s probably because he did. I don’t care if he’s nearly eight years old, do something about it. It smells like poop in here!
7. Beer. Hmmmmmmmmm, beer.
8. The internet is sort of like that flaky friend you always have throughout your life (note, said friend may change due to flakiness). It craps out on you when you need it most. To you I say good day, Internet. You’d have never become so popular if it wasn’t for all those naked bits, chat rooms, and eBay.
9. There is always one person within 500 feet of you (at any given time) who loves to hear themselves talk. To this person who I bumped into on April 8 at around 10:30 a.m. PDT: stop talking. I don’t care what you do or that you exist. Even if you are really a big deal, you won’t ever be a big deal to me. Please stop talking. You scare me.
10. There are too many un-cool blogs in the world today. There really needs to be some sort of coolness rating for blogs; that way you’ll know what’s worth reading and what’s a pile of horse doo.
11. The internet. I’m still a little mad at you. I suggest you send me an airport bartender wanting to serve me beer. I’ll consider forgiving you.
12. There’s a few too many fuckheads in this world. These assholes will always exist. It’s inevitable. All I’m asking for is a few less of them in my day-to-day.
13. Jesse Ventura, WTF happened to you? You’re making appearances on CNN in nasty sneakers, jeans, a t-shirt, and a blazer. FYI, the blazer can’t hide your gross clothes and homeless-person hair.
14. Toping off the list and 14: San Francisco. “You can do that hear.”

Forbidden Love

Dear Jamba Juice,

I think I’m falling for you. Don’t tell Noah’s Bagels though… ever since I stopped by your place the other day I can’t stop thinking about you.

200 calories for 16oz. of awesome Mango Mantra in the morning? How can I resist?

I mean, sure, you’re no bagel… but carbs are so last season. I love the way you feel in my hand, the smooth texture of your Styrofoam cup (we need to talk about this btw) and the cool, awakening mixture that only a four-speed blender can produce.

I… I’ve never felt this way about a breakfast option before. I feel like I’ve been drinking you forever. I know it sounds crazy, but I… I… I want to be on you. Look at me, I’m giddy.

Well, I’ve got to go, but I’ll see you real soon, OK? Like tomorrow morning, I promise. And, if I come into the store smelling like beer from last night, know that it meant nothing to me.

Love,

Ron

What the Hell Kind of Restaurant is This?

I love brunch. I'm not afraid to say it. I'm a straight guy from Seattle and nothing brings me more joy on a weekend morning than sitting around a table with my closest friends eating brunch.

Sunday was no exception. Jon, Jordan, Geoff, Jeff, Kris, Irene (woo hoo!) and I went to the Hi Life (or Firehouse) and noshed on the finest of breakfast foods, but when our bill came, I was blown away... No, it wasn't the fact that we spent $100 on breakfast. It was because I was sitting there wondering what the hell "BUTTCAKES" were.... check it, 4th item down!

Why Doesn't This Happen to Me?

A family in Centralia, Wash. woke up the other morning to find a young woman asleep in their home. She wasn’t a relative, friend or hooker (had to cover that last base, it is SW Washington). Where the hell did she come from?

Turns out this girl was dropped off here by a guy she was with the night before named “Jeremy.” Turns out the family doesn’t know a Jeremy and I’m willing to bet it wasn’t the dude’s real name.

I see the previous night going a little something like this…

3:43 P.M. --- “Jeremy” posts an ad on the Olympia section of craigslist: Hey ladies. I’m a 21 year old guy just looking for some fun tonight. Don’t have to work at the mill tomorrow and I’m ready to grab a couple brewskis, jump on the four wheeler and have a heck of a night. Here’s a picture of my junk [photo emitted]

4:15 P.M. --- “Goldilocks” replies to Jeremy’s post: Hey Jeremy. Just got off work at the Yarn Barn and saw your note. I’m definitely down for a good time. I’m laid back, blonde, 5’7’’ and I like to party. Do you like to party? I do. Call me at 253-534-xxxx.

7:45 P.M. --- Text from Jeremy to Goldilocks: Where u @? Im @ ampm. Red trk w/ roll cage.

7:58 P.M. --- Text from Goldilocks to Jeremy: Almost thre. Had 2 w8 for sitter.

9:43 P.M. --- Goldilocks and Jeremy seen at the local watering hold drinking tall cans of PBR. Goldilocks was noticeable intoxicated and was dancing on the pool table. Looked like she had done it before.

12:45 A.M. --- Jeremy comes to his senses, realizes this chick is a nutcase. Drops her off down the street from his house since she’s passed out. When Goldilocks wakes up momentarily as he’s sliding her in through the window he says “shit, my friend locked us out… just be really quiet and go back to sleep.”

9:00 A.M. Unsuspecting family wakes up to see a 18 year old blonde girl laying in their spare bedroom. Wife immediately starts hitting husband who retorts with “are you kidding me? If I was hitting that, why would I have woke up next to you this morning?”

The moral of the story here kids is: always use a fake name when you’re looking for a one-night stand.

And knowing’s half the battle.

Keanu, you're still a deuche

But I'd still party with you.

You're new movie is premiering soon. I'm going to tell you this just once. Though you "might" know Kung Foo, you're not good at playing a hard ass. I'll pay to see your movie, but only to mock you. Sorry dude.

THIS JUST IN!

Kristin Davis was just told about her sex pictures that have been circulating on the Web for weeks.

It's All Pho'd Up

Sex sells, people (that sentence looked funny before I added the comma). Deal with it. Our target demographic for this site is males between the ages of 17-30 with above-normal libidos and active imaginations, so we’re sexing it up a bit here at ol’ Suite 206.

Now, back to the good stuff.

Pho (pronounced like fun without the n) is pho-king awesome (that kids, is what we call a layup in the biz). I recently discovered this dish, consisting of what seems to be liquid cocaine, laced with sex and rock and roll and haven’t looked back since.

For $7.17 I can go to Pho Binh on Lake City and grab a piping hot bowl of noodles, sprouts and briscuit drowned in the best broth this side of, well, anywhere (that’s a number 15 for those interested).

It’s hard to really explain pho to someone, so the best way to learn is to experience it, much like I did when my friend Jordan took Jon and I for our first public pho (the word games are almost as much fun as the food itself!)

Now, most restaurants have a grip of chopsticks sitting in a container, along with spoons and tiny bowls. For someone who’s pretty horrible at chopsticks, like I used to be, this might look like a daunting task, but if you’re afraid, just ask for a fork and they’ll bring one to you. They won’t look down on you, but you won’t be able to tell what they’re saying to everyone else in the restaurant, because you don’t speak Vietnamese.

I’m a big believer in natural medicine – don’t tell my mother who works in the healthcare industry – and I’m here to say: pho is a natural decongestant and a urge everyone to use it as such.

Four chopstick slurps in, your nose will be running (even quicker if you’ve loaded your bowl up with the handy cock sauce which stands at the ready next to the chopstick bin). Multitasking! I love it and so do productivity managers .

I fully expect Astra Zeneca or Pfizer to start selling this stuff OTC. At that point it’ll become illegal to go get pho’d without a prescription, so eat up quick.

If you live in basically any city worth it's weight in Pho noodles, I'm sure you can pop the word "pho" in your JesusPhone or Crackberry and get the locations of no less then 20 restaurants. DO IT!

My Intelligence Reports Have Confirmed My Suspicions

Well, it's confirmed. Steve Jobs is still a giant tool.


A recent story (See it here) explains how Steve it touting himself and the number 1 retailer of music with his iTunes. There's arguments as to whether this is true or not. Regardless, I've lifted my color code of Steve Jobs' deuchiness from Orange to Red. We're on full alert. Watch out!

Seattle Bans Foam Containers and Institutes Plastic Bag Tax, Teriyaki Joints Burn Down City Hall

Every couple of weeks I pick up my phone in my office, dial 324-3224 and order a spicy chicken with brown rice. I get told it’ll be 10 mins., but I walk out the door and across the street as soon as I hang up the phone.

There, waiting for me in a plastic bag is a foam container of spicy chicken goodness prepared for my friends at the Teriyaki bowl.

Now, just what do you expect it is that keeps my spicy chicken so warm and awesome on the way back to my office? FOAM, IT’S THE FOAM PEOPLE!

If Seattle is going to outlaw these things, they need to set up some sort program where they subsidize the teriyaki places that now have to dispose of old containers and buy new ones, at least until they can make due on their own.

Bernanke Pulls Head Out of Ass to Say: “We might have a recession”

Ben Bernanke, head douchebag of the Federal Reserve drug his bearded, brown suite wearing ass out of bed long enough to head up to the Hill and announce that a recession is possible.

Really?

This just in: WATER IS WET!

It’s a good thing they’re handing out those whopping $600 checks in May. I will just have to find a way to keep my utilities running until I get it.

Here's a chart showing how the GDP affects yours truly:

Comparison of GDP to Beers Drank in a Month

Check out C-SPAN next week when…

• General Petreus announces that some Iraqis might not want us in their country.
• Randy Jackson officially declares that disco is dead.
• Teddy Kennedy admits that he has a drinking problem.

And

• Clinton admits that he nailed Monica, along with 34 other interns and White House staffers.

Motivation ZERO!

Well, it's Wednesday. Mid-week. And yet again, Wednesday has somehow managed to rob me of any motivation I may have had when I woke up this morning.

On a good note, both of my office neighbors are gone today, which means I don't have to hold back on the volume of my iPod, my vulgar language when I receive dumb emails, or my need to wear pants (to my co-workers, take this as a warning).

On the downside, I have to speak with some pretty deuchy people today. I think on my calls I'm going to introduce myself by the fact of my missing pants. "Hi, this is B, I'm not wearing any pants. It's okay though, it's the latest thing in Europe."

Take that Wednesday.

This Just In: Georgia Criminals Now Hiring Third-Grade Thugs for Dirty Work

When I was in third grade I was much too busy worrying about if I had a Snack Pack in my lunch to ever mastermind an attack on the jungle gym, let alone an attack on a teacher.

However, it seems kids in Georgia are a bit more motivated than I was at that age...

They even went as far as putting someone in the "clean up" slot. I didn't want to clean up my room when I was in third grade. There is no way in hell you'd get me to clean up after an assault on a teacher.

The best part about this: the kids are getting off unscathed. Sure, they'll be suspended for a little while, but they'll see no jail time and can't have criminal charges brought against them because they're under the age of 13. Apparently in Georgia you're not responsible for your actions until your at least 13 years of age (or until the U.S. Government abolishes slavery).

So, the next time you're in Hotlanta and a little kid asks you to buy him the Bob the Builder's Clues Explorer something or other, just do it. That kid can kill you and go right home to a nice bowl full of ice cream.