Bank of (Un)America(n) D-heads

I’ve had a savings account at Bank of America since before I was 5. My parents set it up for me back when Bank of America was Seafirst Bank and it didn’t suck.

Recently, I decided I no longer needed my BofA checking account and closed it. I still had my savings account and figured I could still continue banking as I had all these years… WRONG!

I went to the ATM the other day to take some cash out of savings to move to my other bank, the all-mighty WaMu. However, even after putting my card in, punching in my secret code (it’s my SAT score) and chooseing “withdrawal from savings” the damn machine started going off like a slot machine and spit my card back out, politely telling me to go F myself.

I went inside to talk to a person. I hate talking to people.

“So, if my savings account is still active, how come I can’t take money out of it from an ATM?”

“Well sir, your savings account and checking account are linked, so you can no longer access it without speaking with a teller.”

“Wait, so I have a savings account, right?”

“Yes.”

“And it has money in it, yes?”

“Yes sir.”

“And I could access it before with this card, but now I can’t?”

“Yes, sir. That is correct.”

“Fine, just give me $300.”

“Would you like to know the balances of your accounts?”

“I thought I only had one?”

“oh yes, you’re right.”

“(mumble, mumble) idiots…”

So, in short, F you BofA, and while I’m at it, F you all banks.

You open at 10, close at 6 and expect working people to be able to get to your bank during your whackjob, slacker hours? But, wait, you’re open on Saturdays… for like 45 mins.

Thanks…

I’m buying mayonnaise jars and hiding them in the back yard.

Tyra, this post is for you. You've had this coming for quite some time.

Dear Tyra,

I know this hurts to hear, but I don't like you. I never have. You're not as pretty as you think you are. Or as pretty as you think other people think you are. I really don't like you. Without your makeup, your eyes look like they're hiding from something evil, which in turn makes you look evil.

I don't care how hard it was for you and your "momma" while you were growing up. I don't care that you've had a successful career in modeling--side note: a career in modeling is not a career. YOU DON'T NEED A F$&*%^# DEGREE TO LOOK PRETTY IN A PICTURE.--I don't care that you have a successful TV show, I don't care that you have a talk show that's really just Dr. Phil but with you, and I especially do not care that you think you're a big deal. You are not.

I HATE YOUR SHOW. In case you didn't notice, my ALL CAPS are intended to emphasize my feelings. I'm going to reiterate this, modeling is not a career. If you're pretty, and you wear little (possibly no) clothing for money, you have a JOB, not a career. You have a job. Like a prostitute has a job. Like a camera man on a porno set has a job. Like a stripper has a job. These are not careers, they're JOBS. Spelled the same way that Steve (who I also despise) spells his last name. J-O-B-S--okay, it's not plural, buy you get the point.

Tyra, breaking young, low-confidence girls down to a pulp and then building them up doesn't make you a saint. It makes you a cult leader. Jimmy Jones, Charlie Manson, that creepy bald dude in California with the commit. They were people who brainwashed their followers and rebuilt them into what they wanted. Wow, this is getting a little preachy.

Anyways, my point is you're crazy. You shouldn't be popular. And most of all I just don't like you. You bug me. Your career is a joke. Eating 1,500 calories a day (I don't give a S@%& if you take pictures in your underwear on Opera), wearing lots of makeup and expensive clothing doesn't make you an influential person. Dr. King, presidents who were assassinated, people who invented things we use every single day; these are influential people.

So, Tyra, give it a rest. America's next top model isn't about finding the next "it" model or forwarding the career of that ass-clown Ms. J, it's about making you money. Just admit it.

Man, that felt really good to get off my chest.

Amy, this post is for you.

Late.

Sent from my iphone

I learned how to direct-blog from my iPhone. Now nowhere is safe from
my snarky fingers.

Sent from my Jesus phone.

What the F is up with…

Seriously, do you ever just see something or someone and think, “What the F is up with that?” I do.

• Chicks who drive trucks - What are you trying to prove here? That you're more manly than me? Well, you are. OK?
  
• People letting their dogs lick your junk - Please remove your dog from my crotch neighbors, homeless men and Seattle dog lovers. Sure I'm a little down on my nuzzle luck, but I'm not that hard up.
  
• The one d-bag who parks in the RH lane when it’s posted not to park there during certain times - I hate this guy. If you're this guy, watch your ass, because I'm coming for you and your little 2002 Silver Jetta. You know who drives Sliver Jettas? Ex-Girlfriends, that's who.
  
• Microsoft Outlook (you dirty bastard Bill) - I am willing to bet the majority of corporate America can empathize with having to bend over and take it up the Outbox from ol' Billy-boy and the Borg on this one. I wish I was better at Linux.
  
• Girls who want to be “friends” - Seriously? Seriously? I have friends. They have names like Jon and Owen and Drew. That's because they're guys and I don't want to see them naked. I don't need friends named Tanya and Lisa. I need dates named Tanya and Lisa.
  

And finally, what the F is up with that smiley face on takeout Styrofoam boxes? Sure, I’m happy to see his face when I open up my plastic bag-knot and smell that spicy chicken, just waiting to get inside my mouth. However, when I’m done and I’ve licked the Styrofoam clean of any rice, teriyaki and chicken remains, I close the box and that little dickhead’s still there. Smiling. Looking. Judging.

Don’t just me smiling man. I hate that there is no more wondrous food under your lid of lies.

A list, some tidbits, and a person I don't like

Things I've seen while driving on Madison Street in the last week:

1. The Rainbow Lady. She really likes rainbows.
2. Some fairly unattractive people.
3. Jesus.
4. A three legged greyhound--running.
5. A woman trying to bring back cowboy boots.

It snowed at my house last night. It's almost April! You're full of shit Al Gore.

Tyra Banks. You bother me. You'll be receiving your own post on this blog in the near future.

BREAKING NEWS: Tampa High School Enrollment for Males up %350 in March

Yet ANOTHER Tampa, FL area teacher was charged with having sex with one of her students…

Check out the article HERE

This brings a whole new reality to the Hot for Teacher video from years past.

Was I the ONLY high school kid with old men and frumpy women for teachers? Is there some sort of teaching degree program that lets women work their way through school without paying tuition, but stripping instead?

Are these kids FORCED into having sex? Really? "Yeah, yeah... this hot teacher forced me into having sex with her. It was awful... I really hated telling all my friends and posting pictures on my MySpace... I don't know how I'll ever get over it."

If my teacher looked like this (Debra LaFave, teacher and sex offender apparently), I wouldn’t have graduated with honors, I’ll tell you that much.

Ms. LaFave... I've been bad, very, very bad.

Goooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllll!

This week you can vote for the name of the new MLS (that’s major league soccer) team here in Seattle. There’s been some great debate over the choosing of a new name and the ushering out of the Sounder nombre.

Let’s go to the game film…

“The team name will be symbolic of the collective excellence we are working hard to create with our club. The identity of the club will ultimately come from making quality decisions at every turn of the road with the opportunity to create a brand unparalleled in American soccer,” said Vulcan Sports & Entertainment President Tod Leiweke.

OK, OK… this sounds good. People working together, being part of the dream… Gimme more.

“The three proposed names each have their own unique story and in addition, we will ensure all of our fans voices are heard as we will include a fourth option, a ‘write-in’ vote for fans who are passionate about another name.”

Wait, what the F? Let’s all be creative, then we’ll stick you in a 3 horse race and let you choose the winner?

Just for the record, the three names are:

Seattle Alliance – Who exactly are we aligning with? Sounds more like a healthcare coverage provider than a soccer club.

Seattle Republic – Don’t get me started here, as if we need another excuse for people in this country to think we’re Mao-loving, Red sympathizing commies… Also, it reminds me of Banana Republic.

Seattle FC – Now, this one will most likely be my choice, but only because it’s the least worst out of the options. FC stands for football club. Here in the United States of the America we don’t call soccer football. We call football football and we call soccer soccer. Sure the rest of the world calls it football, but screw them. The league the new team will play in is even called Major Leage SOCCER. At least with this name you can give them a nickname like other clubs (Red Devils, Blue Devils, etc.). I’d go with Sounders.

One thing people in Seattle don’t like is being told what to do. The other thing they don’t like is agreeing on anything. This will not end well, mark my words.

I’m going to write in the following names, just to be part of the Seattle democratic process:

• The Seattle Whogivesashits
• The Monorails
• The Seattle Whiny Environmentalist Liberation Army
• The Rent Payers (because the only reason they’re making the team is to keep constant money coming in to Qwest Field)

That’s it. I’m too riled up. My cousins in England would be laughing at this right now. I hope they come over here with their soccer hooligan friends and kick our asses.

On a postive note though, we've had our first sighting of Seattle area soccer hooligans

Oh Baby Baby, Let's Not Call This A Comeback

Britney, ay yi yi.

Okay, so my wingman at work and I have this raging debate going on. It has been for about two months now.

The opposition's POV: Since sinking into obscurity about three years ago, Britney's been infamously setting her bar lower and lower. Why? Well, according to Ronsie's view, its to lower our expectations of her so much so that we're completely bewildered when she makes her comeback. Given her recent appearance on How I Met Your Mother, Ronsie thinks this is going to be her launching pad to make this comeback.

My rebuttal: Sorry Britbrit. You're going the way of all those child stars before you. See my other thoughts on Britney here. It's not really a matter of setting the bar any lower for yourself, but rather a balancing act of your craziness in the public's eye. You've gone off in the deep end, and there's no coming back. Let's review:

1. You became a mega-hit in the late 90's. I'll admit, even I found your school girl outfit appealing when I was in high school.
2. You failed to top your success moving forward.
3. You pooped out two children.
4. Lost custody of said children.
5. Gained some weight.
6. Ran over a paparazzi with your car and then hit several other cars with your car.
7. Shaved your head.
8. Gave a horrible performance at the MTV Music Awards becuase, "Sarah Silverman's comments threw you off." Sarah, you're awesome. Especially when you're F*$&#@% Matt Damon.
9. Released an entirely animated video--I'm guessing because you just can't dance anymore?
   
10. Made an appearance on HIMYM. I'll even admit you did a great job on the show. However, your role was a nympho, psycho receptionist--not exactly a real stretch for you.
11. Received your second post on Suite 206 entirely dedicated to you. You're really giving LiLo a run for her money.

While I respect my opponent's view, I have to disagree that he's going to win this debate. Britney might make the occasional appearance moving forward. I'm sure we'll see more of her antics, but she won't be returning to her glory days any time soon; or ever for that matter.

Oh, and Britney. What's it like to know that K-Fed of all people used you as his own launching pad? Sorry, was that below the belt?

Readers, please send us your feedback on this debate!

The Pride of Washington State

No, not apples. Not Boeing. Not our rich heritage and culture. Definitely not grunge (F*#@ you Cobain, Nirvana sucked then and now). Not even Mt. St. Helens. Nope. I'm talking about Ms. Tanya Harding.

You remember her right? Of course you do. Went to the Olympics, broke a shoelace on her skate (BTW, who the hell doesn't bring an extra pair of laces to the Olympics?), had her significant friend take out the competition with a lead pipe, and then made a sex tape (damn, I didn't include her in yesterday's post!).

Anyway, Ms. Harding is back in the news. See the whole story. Not really breaking news. Apparently there were alleged sounds of gunfire coming from the area of her house. But she lives in a rural area where shooting guns is totally legal. Anyways, the point of the post is this. Check out this picture.


Pretty awesome, huh? Yeah. Even better, check out here Website: http://www.tonyaharding.com/

Rad.

Oh Ms. Davis, have you never spent One Night in Paris?

Apparently not. Which is why I'm writing this post for you.

Recently your sex tape appeared on the Web. Don't worry, I'll spare you from posting the image of you clearly, well, you were there... (Readers, Google image Kristin Davis) Do they not make you take a class on this when you finally become popular with the public? I guess not. Here's a three step process to help you:

1. If you're an aspiring/current/hasbeen star, DO NOT MAKE A SEX TAPE. Why? Because no matter what, it's only a matter of time until I'm hearing about it on The Soup with Joel McHale.
2. If your tape does get leaked, which it always will, don't have your publicist deny the images are you. The women in the images has eyes that are too far apart. That's you. There's no denying it.
3. If your tape does get leaked, which it has, you should start a club with your new colleagues:
1. Eva Longoria
2. Paris Hilton
3. Pam Anderson
4. Do I really need to continue this list?

All the best Kristin.

The rays will kill us all!

And I'm not talking about the radioactive waves that will also eventually kill us from the nuclear bomb that the dolphins are building. Nope, I mean rays as in those weird looking fish things.

Let's review: Rays (see here) are a flat fish, composed mainly of cartilage. Just last year a ray took out one of my long-time idols, Steve Irwin, AKA The Crocodile Hunter. While diving somewhere in the ocean that surrounds Australia he was struck through the heart by the tail of a ray.

Rest in peace Steve.

But even more recently (like yesterday or today) a ray jumped from the water, struck a woman who was standing in her boat, and knocked her back so hard she died when her head hit the deck of her boat. See the whole story.

I'm going to go out on a limb with this one, but I think the rays hate us, and are probably out to get every last one of us. Rays, this is a message to you. We're on to your plan and we'll be watching our backs. Just because you took out Steve and now some other poor, unfortunate soul doesn't mean you'll win this battle.

Evil Ray:

Do you see how evil this thing looks. I'm serious, look out for these things.

To our dear reader in Pullman, Washington. Yes, you.

No, not you. You! Yeah, you. The one in Pullman.

Yes, we know you read this blog on a daily basis, and that you reside in Pullman. You're probably sitting in front of your computer right now, looking over your shoulder, wondering if we're in the room with you. Well, there was that one time we broke in and watched you sleep, but it's nothing creepy like that this time. No, we just monitor our site statistics and have noticed you check in regularly. And for that, we applaud you. It takes a certain type of person to read this blog on a regular basis. One that can stick with it; which you clearly can.

We appreciate your readership so much I got you some flowers. Here:


Do you like them? I hope so. If you don't, let me know. Or just leave an upper decker at Ronsie's house. Enjoy your Easter, and please continue reading. If you're so inclined, write back to us in the comments section.

Dear Seattle,

By the time you read this letter I'll be gone.

I've left you for Portland. Yes, Portland. When it came down to it, I just didn't love you anymore. Sure things were great, I mean, you're the largest city in the Northwest, but even that gold old after a while.

You don't even try to spruce yourself up anymore. Look at what PDX is doing (without whiny neo-tards like those in Ballard and Capital Hill crying every time a new condo goes up where a run-down liquor store used to be). I need the newness and the style of life that comes with that.



Your transportation is crap. I went around the entire city of Portland today on a single street car. I even managed to jump off, get a slice and then jump back on to get back to my hotel. When did you ever do something like that for me? Your buses disgust me, so don't even start there.



Your NBA team even thinks you're a POS. It up and moved to OKLAHOMA CITY for chrissakes. That's gotta hurt a bit.

So, Seattle, this is it... Oh yeah, I cheated on you with San Diego too. You never paid attention to me.

Two gentlemen I'd like to thank for giving me a great start to the week

First, you, on 405 this morning. You know who you are. You saw me trying to merge onto the freeway with a very short on-ramp, and yet you continued to speed up and refuse to let me get in front of you, even though I was clearly ahead of you on the ramp accelerating at a reasonable speed. While slamming on my breaks because you continued to speed up, I laid on the horn and gave you the finger. Yes, you! Yet, you refused to even look at me. Like I wasn't even there, or that you're hard of hearing. BULLSHIT. You saw me, you chose to be an ass and speed up, and then pretend to not know I was there because you don't have the balls to acknowledge me pointing you out as a complete JERK on the freeway.

Normally, I can't put this stuff behind me (breathing, trying not to invoke road rake), but you knew what you were doing. Is your life so bad that you have to do that to me to make you feel like a better person? Anyways, I hope you had a nice drive to work. I'm sure there's at least a few other people you pissed off this morning that will get my point across.

Second. To the homeless man crossing Madison street this morning while I had a green light. You nonchalantly crossed the road in front of me while I had a green light. In case you're new to the traffic laws of Washington, that means you don't walk. You saw me coming and continued to walk across the street at a slow pace. Now, I acknowledge the fact that you're homeless. I'm empathetic to your situation. If there was something I could do to help, I would. But first help me out, and follow the basics of traffic.

I heard the City is going to be building some benches for the homeless. Yes, I see the irony in this, it's just what I heard. Why don't you find one of those benches and take a break until I'm done driving through your cross walk.

Phew, it's nice to have that off my chest. Hopefully this will be a good week.

Happy St. Patrick's Day - idiots

Yay! Yet another holiday we don't know anything about!

Ah, St. Paddy's Day. What once was a time-honored feast for the Patron Saint of Ireland has turned into yet another reason to buy overpriced beer and buy a new shirt that says something witty like "Kiss Me I'm Irish" or "Kiss Me, I'll Probably Sleep With You Because I Drank A Gallon of Green Beer."

I don't really care all too much about the raping of St. Patrick's Day to be quite honest with you - my people were English and Native American. What I do care about is the seemingly open season on being a dickhead that comes along with this holiday.

Yeah, yeah, we get it, someone about 40 centuries back down your family stump lived through the potato (look at that, Dan Quayle didn't author the dictionary on Blogger... didn't let me put an E there) famine. Does that really give you an excuse to don an Ireland track jacket that you picked up at Target, get hammed and pee on my Honda? Apparently it does.

I'm glad I won't be in town for St. Paddy's Day this year, because I won't have to field text messages from one of my friends constantly calling me a pussy for not going out and drinking Jameson until I can't walk or talk.

I hope St. Patrick hates all the d-bags that go around being complete knobs in his name on a day that is supposed to honor him. I don't know if when you get canonized you get special powers, but I hope you do and I hope he uses them on those wonks.

Here's a good idea for something to do on St. Patrick's Day; since we aren't close enough for you to go kiss the Blarney Stone, how about you get down and kiss my English/Indian (feather not dot) ass.

Toss off.

You may now address me as...

2001 JEA/NSPA Sports Writing Excellence Award Winner Ron Schott... or Former President of the Washington State Chapter of the Delta Chi Fraternity Ron Schott... or Runner-up of the TBI Baseball Skills Competition 1997 Ron Schott.

I think I deserve the same amount of respect that we give these actors that won an Oscar 7, 9 or 13 years ago, right? They make a movie in 2008 and throw "Academy Award Winner [insert name here]" in the damn trailers like it's gold.

I'll be issuing a statement through my agent about this at a later date, then getting caught for reckless driving, just to further cement myself into the headlines.

One.

Our personal demise

So, I was reading up a little on the world of marketing last night. And yes, my life has become so boring I actually read about work stuff while not at work... Anyways, according to a recent study, blogs actually aren't read as much as everyone touts them to be.

Not that it matters that much. Blogs are pretty hot right now, probably not as much as they used to be, though. Someday they probably won't be popular at all. Second Life anyone? Anybody? No?

Which brings me to my point. Has Suite 206 already reached its critical mass of readership who are starting to scale back? Hell no! We're taking this biznatch global. Pretty soon people will be getting their daily news from this blog. Granted, it will be about as factual as www.TheOnion.com, but it will still be news.

So, please continue visiting Suite 206, reading, commenting, Cranking, and criticizing.

Easter Bunny. Friend or Foe?

So, May is here and Easter is almost upon us. For all you non-catholic based readers, please keep reading, I promise not to make this about god.

Anyways, I thought it might be nice to have some of the family over to our new house for easter. I was even considering putting on a little easter egg hunt for my nephew, who's about a year and change. And that's when I had an epiphany. Who the hell came up with the idea of the Easter Bunny, and did anyone ever stop to think he might be evil?

The easter bunny, seen here is quite possibly one of the most vile creatures on the face of the earth. First, rabbits don't poop eggs. And if they did, why would the male do it? Yes, the Easter Bunny is a dude; studies have proven this.

Just some food for thought if you're planning on putting out some colored eggs this year for your kids. The Easter Bunny is coming to get you and he'll have his revenge for a lifetime of putting up with children and crapping out magically colored eggs.

Prepare to have your mindholes blown

That's it. I spent all day learning how to best utilize my knowledge of social marketing and networking to change the way Suite206 changes the Web.

You're all in big, big trouble.

professional development

So I am sitting here in my car, with all the others waiting to be developed professionally, and I am beginning to notice a few things. First, if I were here at say 8pm I am pretty sure this place is in the area referred to as the track. Second, I am once again the youngest person at an event. Yay.

U(r a jackass) Haul...

Yesterday I wanted to leave my domicile to go get some food. Needless to say that took a while longer than I expected because when I walked out my front door, this is what was waiting in our motorcourt.

Thank goodness it only took them an hour to figure out that the weren't backing that damn thing into the space between our townhouses...

I wonder if they'll fess up to murdering the downspout and catch drain at the corner of that townhome.

I will admit, it was funny watching the girl in the back directing the driver:

"OK, you've got 2 inches on this sid... oh shit, you hit it... pull it back out."

I will be using a U-Haul that big when I move out. I promise. I'm getting the big mother-f-er.

And yet another thing!

As a follow up to today's earlier post: Finally someone said it! Read: http://www.news.com/8301-10784_3-9890339-7.html?tag=nefd.blgs

Everybody mocked me when I told them this wasn't a political blog. Well, I had the forward thinking and time travel abilities to see this one coming. In related news, Suite 206 is now getting more daily hits than Obama's blog. Take that BO.

Endorse this!

Recently my partner in crime decided to make his very own political endorsement (read). This got me thinking. Everyone is so busy endorsing political candidates. I'm going to start endorsing some other stuff. My endorsements below:

1. Wheety-O's. A long under-rated store-brand of Cheerios. I think I could bring some value to this brand.
2. The future cure to cancer. Fuck you cancer.
3. Hillary Clinton. Frankly, I don't care who wins this election. I'm a little tired of all of them. Regardless, I'm endorsing Hillary to start going to Obama gatherings dressed as a super hero. Not sure what this represents, but I bet it would be funny.
4. Awesomeness. Do I need a reason?

What are you endorsing today?

Friday, I think I love you

I even want to take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant.

It's EOD, Friday, preflight. BRING ON THE BEER!

BEERGY!

Can you please take your hands out of my mouth?

Or at least for the duration of your office politics discussion?

Yeah, those were my exact thoughts this morning as my dentist was nonchalantly drilling through my pearly whites.

"Have you heard the latest on sterilization?" my dentist asked while looking at his assistant. "Before you know it you're gonna be in here on the weekends doing that stuff."

Now, I really like my dentist. Despite the fact that his office has cost me a damn arm and a leg, they treat me well, are fast, and are just better than other dentists I've had in the past. BUT, if you're going to talk about stuff while you're all up in my business, could you at least talk about something I understand?

Example, instead of talking about sterilization, how about talking about the great golf course you just played (I'm guessing my bill barely covered your green fees), the latest on Ms. Lohan, or who's nailing the new hygienist. Not that I really want to know about any of this, but at least it would be more entertaining for me. That's all I'm saying.

BTW reader, you should read this post with a slur. That's how I wrote it since I can't feel half of my mouth right now.

Late.

Ssshhh, that might be a Klum look-a-like

Okay, just how many little Seal pups has Heidie Klum plopped out? Seriously. I think it's like three or four. Yet, she looks like she's never had children at all.

Why am I bringing this up? No, I'm not obsessed with her--although I will admit she's an attractive lady (oh, it's a lady!). Nope. I think Ms. Klum has look-a-likes, clones, drones, or some other type of extras. That's all I'm saying. It's only a matter of time before the Klum look-a-likes, the sweaty pandas, and the dolphins take over the earth.

Watch your back.

Things to do today:

1. Cure aids
2. Cure cancer
3. Find resolution to world hunger
4. Each leftover Chinese food for lunch (hmmmmmmmmmm)
5. Send out emails that confuse my co-workers