Suck one Al Gore, have some convinient TRUTH

If Abe Lincoln was still rockin' the stove pipe, he'd be here to find these truths self evident.

1. If you can't drive a car worth shit, you should take the bus.
2. How much green are we spending on green? A luminary recently told me that the only way someone will go green is if there's a financial case for going green. Riddle me this: will you install insta-hot water heaters and solar panels just because it makes you feel like a good person?
3. Morale is the thermometer of an office environment. Michael Scott's office is at a brain-boiling 109 degrees. Currently the space around my office, and surrounding work spaces is a sultry 83--just warm enough for a t-shirt, yet slightly annoying.
4. Linday Lohan.
5. This blog, however genius, will likely never result in a single dollar of revenue--dear reader, how do you expect us to keep it real for you? Your donations are appreciated.
6. Alcoholism has long been confused for an over-subscribed bored America. What? When did packing away a twelver and beating the neighbor's step child with the toaster cord become so frowned upon?
7. Blogs are overrated. Accept for a few of my favorites: http://cherryride.blogspot.com and http://fakesteve.blogspot.com
   
8. Cake may be one of the single best, yet unrecognized, musical bands in the history of planet Earth. Common, Long Jacket, The Distance, No Phone, Sheeps Go to Heavan and Goats Go to Hell. What more can I say?
9. The internet is like that one guy Bob and why he can go %&*$ himself. You know what I'm talking about, that one douche bag that thinks all cars yield to him, that there's no line at the grocery store, that does something to annoy you and you eventually wish he catches cancer in some horrible part of the body to reconcile your hatred towards him--don't tell me you don't have a Bob that can go @$#% himself... We all do.
10. The History Channel is the most valuable cable channel you can pay for. You have a dirty pirate liar mouth if you say you don't find the History Channel entertaining. You're also a Bob if you think it's not in your interest to watch something that makes you a better person through learning something.
11. Babies. I'm not even going to go there.
12. The number Twelve. Had a three-way with The Count and his boyfriend Todd back in the early 90's and you hasn't been the same since. We don't judge at Suite 206. Well, maybe a little.
    
13. If you're annoying, you should have to start wearing a giant scarlet A on your chest everyday, so that people can avoid you.
14. Fourteen. Well, if you're still reading this list of convenient truths, then the authors of this blog applaud you. You're pretty awesome. You should pat yourself on the back. You should yell down the hall at your co-workers and tell them to bow at your mere existence. I'd like to shake your hand. And then brag to people that I know that I shook your hand. Probably not wash my hand for a year; ewe, wait, that's gross. Encourage you to visit this blog on a daily basis. Ask you to find your six degrees of separation from Carson Daily, and ask him to start plugging this blog. And then ask Carson Daily to call Lindsay Lohan to tell her she's on this list.
15. Advertisements from the fifties are like a textbook on how to make someone file a lawsuit against you. AWESOME.
16. Lawsuits are totally lame. Unless of course you're scoring a totally rad settlement.
    
17. Dolphins will be the downfall of mankind. They're smarter than the cockroaches that can apparently withstand the blast of an atom bomb, they're cute, and the don't sleep. Better watch you back the next time you visit the beach. One moment you're going to be drinking your third beer while watching your weenies roast on the grill, the next moment you're feeling the red-hot sting of a prison shank belonging to Flipper through your kidney. Yeah, the convenient truth hurts.
18. After an eight year term of Obama, with his inevitable running mate Hillary, Ms. Lohan will take office. Hopefully by then we will have all become someone's Bob and died of our inevitable inconveniently located cancer.
19. Al Gore will be mauled by a VERY sweaty panda.
20. Sweaty pandas, in a mirrored scene from planet of the apes, will take over the earth all while rubbing it in the face of Charlton Heston and his NRA card, and telling their dolphin friend bob to go *#&% himself.