Dear Brittney,
I'm concerned. We've seen Anna Nicole pass. Heath Ledger also just got off the bus. Are you next? I heard you were being kept in a padded room. If that's true, you should jump against the walls, I bet that would be fun. But seriously, it's starting to get a little sad.
I heard your ol' dad is fighting for your kids. What happened to Kfed? I'm sure he was a good dad, despite the fact he's a gigantic dueche.
But really, maybe you should cool off for a bit. Maybe it's time to retire, pack up, and leave the country. I'm sure you've got the money, why not go someplace nice--California kind of sucks anyways.
I think even your paparrazi fan club is getting a little tired of this story. What happened to that little school girl we all came to love? I'm not saying she needs to come back; lord knows that outfit won't fit you anymore (sorry, I couldn't resist). I'm just suggesting you lay low for a while. Maybe find a safe house. Adopt some kitty cats. Take up hard alcohol abuse... Just a few suggestions.
In either case, here's to you.
Regards,
An apathetic, yet slightly concerned, bi-stander
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