Oh, and one more thing...

I heard on the news this morning that Hillary is starting to loose some of her backers, who are dropping her to support Obama. Why? According to the news, "because Barak is starting a new political movement unlike any other in history, we just have to be part of it." A new "political movement?" For fuck sake people, it's a goddamn presidential election. It's not like we're undergoing a revolution. Our nation changes hands every four or eight years; almost like clockwork. Let me say this just this once (because this is NOT a political blog), a shit sandwich and a giant douche will do or say whatever they have to to get elected. It's not a movement, it's pre-vote hype speak.

Thursday

Thursday,

You should be ashamed of yourself. You're a horrible, horrible day of the week. I bet even your mother is embarrassed of you. What do you really contribute to the week? You're a speed bump in front of Friday. I like to say you're like diherea--once it starts you're committed, but you know you'll feel a lot better once it's over.

Thursday, the next time you start my day with several phone calls at 4:00 a.m., I'm going to make you hurt. And not like that Johnny Cash song, I'm talking prison yard style.

Now, why don't you go hang out with Friday to try and learn a few things. Whatever you do, don't talk to Monday; he's a total dick, and a bad influence. I want you to think about what I've said here. Let's talk next week about what you've learned.

What would happen if...

...we put Brittney, Lindsay, the Cohen Brothers, and Ralph Nader in one room together? You could have the makings for a high-selling (note I didn't say good) adult film. But as usual, Ralph would Fuck everything up for everyone. Eat S and D Nader. You're not liked, and you keep making things suck more than they already do. QUIT IT. Go back to making cars better for the average American.

It’s a beautiful morning… until

You wake up, go to yoga, come home and shower, eat some breakfast and the day is just there…waiting, watching and ready for you to come and master it. Then, that one thing that can ruin all of it happens. Here are a couple of the things that can trip up my day…

– Traffic on Montlake

– Walking into the parking garage at work to find that someone has decided to SMOKE in the damn garage directly across from the door. Have a little common courtesy for crapssake.

– A full e-mail inbox

– When there’s nothing worth knowing on the news

– Burnt coffee

– When my roommate takes too long in the shower/bathroom and misses my 7:15 on the dot emergence from my room. Our next place needs baths for each of us.

– Cyclists who ride in the middle of the street, only to have me pass them, only to be passed by them at the light or stop sign… repeat.

This list could go on forever, but alas, I must get some work done.

Have a good day. Or don’t. Your choice.

Suck one Al Gore, have some convinient TRUTH

If Abe Lincoln was still rockin' the stove pipe, he'd be here to find these truths self evident.

1. If you can't drive a car worth shit, you should take the bus.
2. How much green are we spending on green? A luminary recently told me that the only way someone will go green is if there's a financial case for going green. Riddle me this: will you install insta-hot water heaters and solar panels just because it makes you feel like a good person?
3. Morale is the thermometer of an office environment. Michael Scott's office is at a brain-boiling 109 degrees. Currently the space around my office, and surrounding work spaces is a sultry 83--just warm enough for a t-shirt, yet slightly annoying.
4. Linday Lohan.
5. This blog, however genius, will likely never result in a single dollar of revenue--dear reader, how do you expect us to keep it real for you? Your donations are appreciated.
6. Alcoholism has long been confused for an over-subscribed bored America. What? When did packing away a twelver and beating the neighbor's step child with the toaster cord become so frowned upon?
7. Blogs are overrated. Accept for a few of my favorites: http://cherryride.blogspot.com and http://fakesteve.blogspot.com
   
8. Cake may be one of the single best, yet unrecognized, musical bands in the history of planet Earth. Common, Long Jacket, The Distance, No Phone, Sheeps Go to Heavan and Goats Go to Hell. What more can I say?
9. The internet is like that one guy Bob and why he can go %&*$ himself. You know what I'm talking about, that one douche bag that thinks all cars yield to him, that there's no line at the grocery store, that does something to annoy you and you eventually wish he catches cancer in some horrible part of the body to reconcile your hatred towards him--don't tell me you don't have a Bob that can go @$#% himself... We all do.
10. The History Channel is the most valuable cable channel you can pay for. You have a dirty pirate liar mouth if you say you don't find the History Channel entertaining. You're also a Bob if you think it's not in your interest to watch something that makes you a better person through learning something.
11. Babies. I'm not even going to go there.
12. The number Twelve. Had a three-way with The Count and his boyfriend Todd back in the early 90's and you hasn't been the same since. We don't judge at Suite 206. Well, maybe a little.
    
13. If you're annoying, you should have to start wearing a giant scarlet A on your chest everyday, so that people can avoid you.
14. Fourteen. Well, if you're still reading this list of convenient truths, then the authors of this blog applaud you. You're pretty awesome. You should pat yourself on the back. You should yell down the hall at your co-workers and tell them to bow at your mere existence. I'd like to shake your hand. And then brag to people that I know that I shook your hand. Probably not wash my hand for a year; ewe, wait, that's gross. Encourage you to visit this blog on a daily basis. Ask you to find your six degrees of separation from Carson Daily, and ask him to start plugging this blog. And then ask Carson Daily to call Lindsay Lohan to tell her she's on this list.
15. Advertisements from the fifties are like a textbook on how to make someone file a lawsuit against you. AWESOME.
16. Lawsuits are totally lame. Unless of course you're scoring a totally rad settlement.
    
17. Dolphins will be the downfall of mankind. They're smarter than the cockroaches that can apparently withstand the blast of an atom bomb, they're cute, and the don't sleep. Better watch you back the next time you visit the beach. One moment you're going to be drinking your third beer while watching your weenies roast on the grill, the next moment you're feeling the red-hot sting of a prison shank belonging to Flipper through your kidney. Yeah, the convenient truth hurts.
18. After an eight year term of Obama, with his inevitable running mate Hillary, Ms. Lohan will take office. Hopefully by then we will have all become someone's Bob and died of our inevitable inconveniently located cancer.
19. Al Gore will be mauled by a VERY sweaty panda.
20. Sweaty pandas, in a mirrored scene from planet of the apes, will take over the earth all while rubbing it in the face of Charlton Heston and his NRA card, and telling their dolphin friend bob to go *#&% himself.
    

WaMu Just Served Me Papers

That's right... my own bank.

Appears that since the start of their new advertising campaign I've said the phrase "whoo hoo" a total number of 392 times, resulting in trademark infringement fines of $32,321. Those f-heads know how much I have in the bank and it sure isn't that much.

How in the F do you trademark Whoo Hoo? Seriously? Shouldn't people be pissed about this?

MR SCHOTT- THIS IS THE ONLINE WAMU TRADEMARK ENFORCER, YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND TO BE IN BREACH OF OUR TRADEMARK FILINGS AND HAVE USED OUR TRADEMARKED TERM 2 TIMES IN THIS BLOG ENTRY. PLEASE INPUT YOUR CREDIT CARD TO PAY FOR YOUR SINS AGAINST WAMU. NEVERMIND. WE ALREADY HAVE IT

What the F was that?

I also heard the following people were fined for trademark infringement:

• Mr. Homer J. Simpson - Fined upward of $5B
• Wazzu - Fined 48 times for each home game in the past 5 years, resulting in over $2B for playing a sound of Mr. Home J. Simpston saying Wh--- wait a tick. For saying that phrase.
• 20k Season Ticket Holders to WSU Games - Each fan was fined an estimated $100 for possibly repeating said phrase after it was played over the loudspeakers.
• Delta Delta Delta Women's Fraternity Inc. - Delta Delta Delta was fined nearly $1.5B for the misuse of the trademarked phrase by members of their chapters, usually while intoxicated, or acting intoxicated. The women's fraternity decided to pass the buck and raised membership dues to pay the fines.

F you WaMu. Lower my damn interest on my savings account, there's nothing in there anyway.

Whoo Hoo!

Hallmark Didn't Like My Card Ideas... maybe you will?

Roses are Red
Violets are blue
I f-d your sorority sister
Who’s the bad lay now?

My love for you
Is stonger than ever
But that restraining order
Makes seeing you naked a bit harder

Daisies are white.
Tulips are yellow.
Fuck the damn flowers
Let’s get naked.

I got you this present
It might make you cry
You thought I was yours
But I hooked up with your sister and now we’re moving in together with your parents.

Roses are red
Your eyes are so blue
You’ve kinda put one some pounds
And I think you belong in a zoo.

John Mayer once said
Your body is a wonderland
Yeah, well he was banging Jennifer Love Hewitt
And I’m stuck with a whiny chick from Othello.

Ain’t no mountain high enough
Aint no river wide enough
To keep you from bitching about me leaving the seat up.

Remember the day we met?
I saw you in the park.
We made out on the swingset
And watched the stars in the dark.
Remember the day right after that?
I walked you to your door.
Then walked downstairs to your neighbor’s place
And screwed her on the floor.

Happy Valentines Day

I think I need to visit rehab

And the Grammy winner is...

Crap, you know. I don't need to tell you. I would like to point out the following, however.

Amy: You've been singing about rehab long enough. Either actually go and get it done with, or write a new song. How did you get so popular anyways? I'm not saying you're bad or anything, in fact I rather like you. But your alcoholism and crack habit is starting to get old.

Kanye: Loved the glasses and the shoes. Not so much the haircut.

You're a Huge Caucus

On Saturday at 1:30 p.m. the citizens of Washington State will stand up and be counted... literally.

This blows my freaking mindhole.

It's 2008 and the best way the Democrats can come up with to pick their candidate in the state of Washington is to have people go stand in a gym and count off?

I know I'd like to make a difference in this run-up to the General Election, but since I have a prior commitment on Saturday, I won't be able to. Where's my voice oh party of the people? I can vote in the primary, but that doesn't mean jack for a Democratic ticket in Washington.

How can a system that vows to make every vote count kick my ass to the curb like this?

Obama needs my vote or countoff in Washington. He's facing some pretty stiff competition from ol' Hillary and that scares the crap out of me. Look at the woman, she's power hungry and I think part of the reason she wants to be president is to emasculate her husband even more than she has of late...

So, that being said, I'm asking for someone, anyone who wasn't planning on caucusing to go to their caucus place and shout a number out for Obama. This way it's like my voice will be heard.

The first person who does this will receive my promise to vote for their Republican candidate in the upcoming Republican Primary.

That is all.

'Kree-ate-iiiiiiv'

cre·a·tive:

1.	having the quality or power of creating.

2.	resulting from originality of thought, expression, etc.; imaginative: creative writing.

3.	originative; productive (usually fol. by of).

4.

Facetious. using or creating exaggerated or skewed data, information, etc.: creative bookkeeping. Okay, seriously, what does this really mean. Does anyone know the definition of "creative?" It seems to mean something different to everyone. My partner in crime and I came up with a better definition a year or so ago: Creative -Thinking so outside of the box, you're actually thinking within a bigger box, that's holding the box that you want to think outside of. Think about it... What's your definition?

All the unhappy people

It's a rarity that this blog hosts a serious post; but here it is.

All the people that influence this publication are unhappy. It's totally lame.

I've been thinking about that move, About Schmidt: "Dear Endugu..." All the serious and unfun thoughts of an adult, unloaded on to a poor, third-world nation child who barely grasps English. Today, this blog is my poor, impoverished child.

Anyways.... I don't even know where I'm going with this post. Everyone's in a poopy mood and I just wanted a distraction from work.

Seriously, what the hell are these?

So the other day I was hungry. I headed over to the gas station/convenience store to grab a bite.

I was really in the mood for some good trail mix, but all they had were different KINDS of trail mix, only no regular trail mix. I settled on a bag of "Oriental Trail Mix." I should have turned back when I saw the name. I mean, what can you call Oriental these days anyway? Anyway, I'm addicted to the little rice crackers that are in those packs, so I slide the ol' debit card through the slot.

When I got back to my desk I began to realize the error of my ways. The bag was 2/3 full of these damn sesame seed looking MFers that looks like a squirrel turd. Seriously, Mount Country, who the hell likes to eat these things?

I went to fill up my nalgene and my iPhone, out of pure disgust and hatred of anything ugly arranged some of the sticks into the above formation and snapped a photo. Thanks iPhone for using your predictive picture taking to show my emotions before I even knew them myself.

How's this going to end, Brittney?

Dear Brittney,

I'm concerned. We've seen Anna Nicole pass. Heath Ledger also just got off the bus. Are you next? I heard you were being kept in a padded room. If that's true, you should jump against the walls, I bet that would be fun. But seriously, it's starting to get a little sad.

I heard your ol' dad is fighting for your kids. What happened to Kfed? I'm sure he was a good dad, despite the fact he's a gigantic dueche.

But really, maybe you should cool off for a bit. Maybe it's time to retire, pack up, and leave the country. I'm sure you've got the money, why not go someplace nice--California kind of sucks anyways.

I think even your paparrazi fan club is getting a little tired of this story. What happened to that little school girl we all came to love? I'm not saying she needs to come back; lord knows that outfit won't fit you anymore (sorry, I couldn't resist). I'm just suggesting you lay low for a while. Maybe find a safe house. Adopt some kitty cats. Take up hard alcohol abuse... Just a few suggestions.

In either case, here's to you.

Regards,
An apathetic, yet slightly concerned, bi-stander

OK Jobso, I'm Calling You Out...

Jesus Phone... check.
Pre-ordered Macbook Air... check
iPod... check
iTunes... check

I'm just laying out my love for all things Apple right now, because the next part of this post isn't going to score me any iTunes bucks with the big mock turtleneck in the valley.

You can take thousands of songs and cram them into a tiny piece of metal and plastic. You can revolutionize the way people listen to, buy and share music. You can save me the time of wating in line with your awesome Apple fanboys waiting to run my credit card through their little scanners as they roam, aimlessly around your beautiful stores. You can consistently create aesthetically pleasing products that also PERFORM. You can virtually alter the course of cell phone manufacturing and offerings with the release of a single device.

Yet, somehow, on this day I want you to get bought my Microsoft and scrapped.

I paid $399 for my iPhone. That gleaming piece of aluminum and glass is the prettiest thing in my life right now, but I know that beauty can't last forever. Thinking that I'd prolong that term of youthful cellphone innocence, I bought a case for my iPhone (at an Apple store). I got it home and was excited to suit my iPhone up. I was about to get crushed...

After suiting my iPhone up in a nice brown number from incase, I noticed that there was no way in hell I'd be able to saddle that JesusPhone back into it's cradle of power at the end of the day. WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU F-ING WITH ME LIKE THIS? Have I not been good to you?

I've bought nearly every damn iPod you've product vomited onto the market and this is how you repay me? Go to hell Jobso. And when you get there, I hope the place is filled with proprietary software and monopolistic companies that make ugly products and then shove them up your...

Who am I kidding? I can't stay mad at you. Look how cute your products are. They're like little bunnies wrapped in love and send out to the world to bring kisses to the masses.

I'll never treat you like that again Apple. I love you.

What the hell is it with these kids?

I’m not talking about kids in the sense of 13, 14 and 15 year olds, although they’re pretty messed up too. I’m talking about kids who are just a few years younger than me.

They graduated college and somewhere along the line had so much sand pounded up their asses that they have this “my shit doesn’t stink and you owe me the world” attitude that just pisses me off.

WE DON’T OWE YOU ANYTHING.

Just because your parents read a couple new-age parenting books and told you that you were special and unique just like every other shithead your age doesn’t mean that you actually are.

Just because your coaches gave you a trophy at the end of your 5 game soccer season even though you went 0-5 and actually never scored a goal on the opposing team doesn’t mean you’re an accomplished athlete.

Just because your teachers were too intimidated by your overbearing parents and really didn’t give too shits about your academic progress and gave you worthlessly inflated As in high school doesn’t mean you’re smart.

Read a book morons.

I don’t owe you anything. Your employers don’t owe you anything not outlined by workplace laws and the world as a whole only owes you the courtesy of occasionally pissing on you to let you know that it acknowledges your existence.

Deal with it.

Things that I hate today, and/or just aren't cool

I'm going to cut straight to the meat and potatoes:

1. Those stupid personal ads on www.TheOnion.com
2. That dueche bag that looked at me weired at Starbucks this morning.
3. Starbucks.
4. Ignorant people, who have no clue.
5. Hangovers.
6. Not having the music I want on my iPod (go F$@& yourself Steve Jobs)
7. Steve Jobs and the inevitable return of his mock-turtle necks.
8. Blogs that server no purpose. Yes, I see the irony.
   
9. Big Ideas that aren't so big.
10. Bruises on my Fuji apples.
11. Morning, when it's still dark outside.
12. Vampires.
13. Unfullfilling movies.
14. The fact that communism looks like pure genius on paper.
15. Gwen Staffani, post-No Doubt
16. Microsoft Outlook.
17. Stupid emails.
18. That crapstain that wrote this week's IM virus.
19. Washington lowland snow.
20. The fact that I need to write more of these lists because there's so many stupid things/people in this world.