This Just In: Economy Packs Up and Says “F This, I’m Out!”

Some might point to sub-prime lending as the cause for the recent dip in the economy. Me, I take a less-educated, purely self-serving look at the situation.

I’m going on record as blaming the Screenwriters’ Guild.

Yeah, yeah, yeah… they don’t get fractions of a penny for the digital downloads. My father doesn’t make residuals when the buildings he’s designed sell again for more money. Should he strike too?

Back to the economy.

So, the writers go on strike, which causes no new shows to be aired, which causes viewership to go down, which causes ad revenues to drop. Following here?

Since Americans are pretty much stupid and Ogilvy isn’t here to figure out some new way to brainwash the masses Americans aren’t buying at the paces we usually do. Widespread panic ensues and BANG… the economy starts to recess… What? That’s not the right use? F that, I’m making it the right use.

So, in short. No writers, no commercials, no $$.

Dear Mr. Jobs

Hello Steve,

It's with no pleasure and a bitterness that I write you. I'll keep this short. When do you plan to unleash your plans of world domination? That's all I want to know. A few key points to review while thinking about this question:

1. You've put a squeeze on every tech-interested person's wallet. Just when you release the latest and greatest thing that everyone NEEDS, you turn around three days later and release an updated version. Case in point: iPod, iPhone, and all of your endless computers.

2. We both know how recognizable your mock-turtleneck is. If you're going to run this world, when will you start wearing a suit?

3. I don't have a three.

That is all. When will you take over? And when you do, will we all get free iPods?

P.S. Apple TV sucks.

What, oh hey, ....are you there?

If you're in the airport, on the phone, and can't understand what the person on the line is saying, call them back later. Because I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU.

A note to Mr. Gates

Bill,

I like you. You seem like a decent guy. You've changed the face of the earth with your technology, started a family, and donate a gazillion dollars each year to humanitarian efforts.

However, my outlook is still the slow kid that can't pay attention in the back of class. Seriously, did you design outlook to be the red-headed stepchild of the MSFT suite?

Anyway, if you could do something about that, that would be cool. If not, I understand. I'm sure you're busy off donating money to find the cure for aids or busy with some other extremely respectable act that makes it impossible for me to hate you.

Regards,
Another forced user of your monopolistic software

The Loathing Chronicles: Chapter 4.0

A Ron Jeremy Sighting

It’s mid-afternoon, about 50-some-odd degrees out and I’m sitting in McCarron Airport; waiting to see a porn star. No, not just out of hope, tomorrow Las Vegas will host the AVN Awards, which means porn stars in the airport. My counterpart sighted Mr. Jeremy just the other night. Short, fat, and packing, he was surrounded by ladies and apparently very approachable. Did you know that guy apparently has a masters in elementary education? Weird.

Anyway, this about sums it up for this visit to sin city. Fairthewell Land of Deserts.

Tech world: SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!

Seriously. You're pissing me off.

I play good little boy all day long doing your bidding, but for shit sake, just slow down the new product machine just a tad.

I just got my iPhone and I'm still pretty much so in love with it that I'm hoping the marriage laws in WA go right out the window and I can make it Mrs. iPhone Schott very soon. But nooooo... the tech world isn't happy when I'm happy. Instead, they make CES happen (and that in turn takes my partner in crime away from me for a week).

So, instead of letting me be happy with my 42'' 1080p wonder that brings PPV porn into my home and my iPhone, they parade the tech equivalent of 19 year olds in Catholic school girl outfits in front of me all week long at CES: cell phones with a happy ending, TVs as thin as Mary Kate Olson, Homeplug technologies that make my RCA boombox look like a handcrank phonograph, etc.

I understand you have to make money and because of idiots like me, you always will. I have affluenza. I got diagnosed last year, but I don't really want to do anything about it. I'll buy the new TV and I'll buy the new phone, but please, can't you just give me like 4 months alone with my products before you start parading these little hussies of new products in front of me and my friends?

I'm looking at you Jobsy, you little mock turtleneck loving warlock. Don't avert your eyes. You too Balmer you sly balding minx.

The Loathing Chronicles: Chapter Three

What?!

Okay, just a few things I learned/experienced today:

1) I was propositioned by a large (I won't describe his race) gentleman asking me, "if I wanted to check out his computer." Apparently, "[he] has something [he] really thinks I would be interested in." Um, no.

2) After being asked, "if [I] had any rolling papers," a guy asked me ,"if I wanted some coke." No, he wasn't talking about the brown cola.

3) Charlie's War is an amazing movie! In light of current events, this movie couldn't be more relevant and self reflecting for the American citizen. I encourage you to see it.

4) I'm really not sure what strippers smell like, but there seems to be an abundance of "stripper smell" on the strip. Eww.

5) I learned today that Teamsters will take the easiest route if not managed. Even upon being given a clear diagram, they'll find a shortcut if they can, while taking as much time as possible. Irritating.

The Loathing Chronicles: Chapter Two.

OPP

The summer has come and gone. Fall came and went. And now, that cold hard bitch winter is here and in full force. Bone chilling winds, coldness in general, and the occasional falling of precipitation.

So, with all of this horrible weather in triumph, why is there so much skin on the Las Vegas strip? No, these aren’t the people that need to show skin. No, in fact, some of these people shouldn’t show any skin—even in summer. Never-the-less, people fly in for the weekend the party their behinds off and all of a sudden they feel the need to show everybody geographic regions of their body that they would probably be shy to show their doctor.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m all for getting away from home and cutting lose to release some stress and change the pace. However, in the act of doing something different, I’m not sure you need to do things you wouldn’t do in your home town. PAUSE: don’t thing I’m getting all right-wing here, I’m just saying… And when you find some embarrassing video of yourself on YouTube that you “don’t remember,” don’t say I didn’t warn you.

On a side note, let’s talk about movie theaters. I’ve never really felt in danger on the Strip, but upon visiting the average Regal movie theater, for a respectable movie (I am legend), I was introduced to the most uncomfortable situation I’ve ever experienced in Sin City.

Let’s explore: Of the 20 people in the theater, we made it through The 20. We even made it through the previews (which weren’t that great). But then the movie started. What ever I heard for the first 30 minutes of the film can only be described as one of the following: 1) Some poor gentleman sitting a few rows back has a severe case Tourette’s; 2) Some A-hole was extremely angry with the person he was sitting with (who I believe was female); or 3) Well, I don’t really want to paint that picture, this is more of a PG-13/R rated blog. Honestly, I don’t know which one of these options was really going on. When you really aren’t sure what you’re listening to, that’s when things really get scary. Trust me. It probably didn’t help watching Will Smith get chased around on screen by virally infected, vampire-like mutants—but I don’t want to ruin the movie for you.

In lighter new, I worked with the Teamsters over the last two days. They’re good guys. I’m not a big fan of unions, but the Teamsters have a few good men. No kidding, I was complemented by a teamster with no less than 7 consecutive swear words today. And yes, he was honestly giving me a complement. AWESOME. That’s all I could think.

So what’s the moral of the story? I’m not sure. Just stay away from OPP, especially if you’re alone, scared, and watching the latest blockbusting action flick.

The Loathing Chronicles: Chapter One.

The ignorant little school girl.

Sin City. Poor sin city. Once an oasis in the desert home to the rat pack and the nation’s tycoons (and that crazy Howard Hughes—I love that guy), we’ve turned this poor, unsuspecting city into a dirty little tramp.

Seriously. Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe Las Vegas didn’t want to become that friend that everyone in high school doesn’t want to associate with after graduation? Maybe Las Vegas would rather not be home to the Bunny Ranch, the ruin of the average American, or the eventual home of the stripper/prostitute that doesn’t what to get busted for turning tricks. Maybe poor little Las Vegas was just that innocent little girl in class that didn’t know any better. They promised her fame, fortune, and all her wildest dreams—then they told her years later she was a dirty little tramp that would forever be associated with sin, filth, and the un-acknowledged desires of the average American.

Poor little Vegas. I can see her now: sitting in the back of class, with a fitting skirt that her mother made (cut to an appropriate length), with a little My Little Pony Lunch pale; completely unsuspecting.

But, inevitably, as most children with troubled childhoods or the inability to know any better, she became what we know her as today: a vile whorebeast that will steal your money, ruin your life, and still leave you wanting more… Sad.

In a side note, for as much as I hate little Las Vegas, I do have a profound respect for this city. This little hole in the wall continues to create more jobs every year (the majority of which are respectable, honest wage paying positions (no pun intended)). It’s recognized as a global tourist destination; although, I’m still confused why the Japanese find this place interesting when Tokyo is probably even more well-lit. And is loved by the average tourist.

In a completely unrelated side note: why are there so many Russian women walking the strip in pairs? Please give me a better explanation than, “they’re looking for husbands.” (Any self-respecting human being knows better than that. And if they don’t, maybe they do belong here.)

In another side note, I need to point out that Wolfgang Puck is a gigantic D-*^%, D-%$@*&^, and complete sell out. What self respecting chef would put their name on horrible rat $%&@ that underpaid airport workers serve out of a microwave? You don’t see Emril, Flay, or Legazzi doing that. What’s going on? Did Puck just want to buy a new house and this was the way to scratch up some extra cash?

But back to little innocent Vegas. She probably never saw it coming.

And by the way, who the hell wants to buy a $1.3 million 689 square foot condo on the Las Vegas strip? That seems to be the latest rage down here. Or at lease that’s what everyone is building and trying to sell. I’m going to say it: Fuck you. You people do this all up and down the west cost. Who the hell is buying these pieces of crap? And if you are, can you really afford them? After all, these aren’t the latest DG hand bags, they’re pieces of property that carry a hefty 30 year mortgage payment. Think about it. Especially if you’re going to buy these crappy little things and ruin the little slut Vegas that everyone seems to love.

One last note. Someone asked me today, "if I was going to get one of those $1,000 hookers." No!...........No! Why the hell would I? First, I don't want a hooker. And even if I did, why the hell would I pay $1,000 for an inevitable STD? The answer seems self-explanatory; but I'll let you be the judge.