So long and thanks for reading...

Dear Readers,

It's about 8:00 in the morning, on a Tuesday. It's foggy outside, reminding me of San Francisco. Now seems like a good time to write this.

The Suite has been burned to the ground. A can of Kerosene and a book of matches, that’s all it took. Not literally, of course, but figuratively. The umbilical has been severed. We’ve had some good times and some not so good times. Mostly we wrote about the not so good times, but hey, can you really blame us? At least it was entertaining. (This is the part in the movie where the main characters cut their losses, move on, and eventually become rock stars. Cue Eye of the Tiger)

To all of our critics: you guys suck. There, I said it.

To all of our fans: you guys rule. You’re way more rawesome than all of those stupid critics.

Who knew this is where the ride was taking us. I guess it’s true what all those smelly hippies say: it’s not the destination, but the journey. Although, there sure were a lot of D-bags along the way.

We hope that you have enjoyed your time spent with us here at the Suite. But fear not! This is not the last you’ve heard from B and Ronsie. We will be starting a new publication entitled, The Teriyaki Blog. The TB will carry on the content you’ve grown to love from the Suite and give you some other fun stuff, too. We’ll also be joined by Daniel-san—long term friend and partial family to the Suite. Daniel-san is the guy usually referred to in a group as “the brains;” he also makes funnies and competes in the gallon challenge. The new trifecta will undoubtedly deliver for your reading pleasure.

So there you have it. If you ever hear me saying, “this one time, in Seattle…” you should listen in. You might just get to hear an epic story, an epic fail, or possibly just an angry comment about people that are dumb. Hopefully you all have some closure, I think we do. If we burned any bridges, we’re sorry (sort of, but not really). Looking forward to seeing you all at The Teriyaki Blog.

Best Regards,
B

What my Starbucks cup SHOULD say

Some people see the cup half empty. Some people see the cup half full. Oh, me? I don't see my cup at all, becuase you lost my order!

"Naw, it was me. I did it. I did them all."

So, you've probably noticed the Suite has been quiet lately. Congratulations! That's a very astute observation. Well, stay tuned, becuase we've got something very exciting headed your way. I hope you've got tickets.

Things I've learned in three weeks

I'll keep this short and concise...

1. Being sick sucks. And I'm pretty sure the makers of DayQuil have lowered its potentcy since the previous flu season.
2. Despite visiting my new parking garage twice a day (sometimes more), I still have a reoccuring fear that I'm going to be hit by a car in said garage.
3. Trying to fit in is a much more humbling experience than I remember.
4. I'm going to be an uncle, again.
5. Clay Akin seems to be the only person who thought his recent announcement was news.
6. Google, no one cares about your phone. Mr. Brin, please don't ever, ever wear roller skates to one of your press conferences again.
7. I wish I had more time to blog.

Outerspace, A.D.D., and some stuff to come

Okay, so I took a little break from blogging, sorry about that. But I’m back, in full affect. Some wondered if Ronsie and I had encountered “creative differences” and were on “an indefinite hiatus due to said differences.” Nope, that’s not the case. Ron’s still layin’ it out to play it out, in the physical suite 206. I’ve taken root on floor six (more details about that to come).

What have I been up to for the last month? Well, I did become an astronaut for a period of time. Given my short attention span, I’ve decided to put that on hold for a bit and pursue other career opportunities. I took some time off, dried out a bit, started fencing again, and am looking forward to some really exciting stuff over the next few weeks.

So, what’s in store for the suite in the next few weeks? Well, a few topics to be discussed by Dr. Ronsie and I will include:
-Why are there so many D-bags that can afford porches?
-The differences between Seattle and Bellevue, and why the Freeway system can go F itself.
-Career reflections: what we’ve learned in three years
-This one time, in Seattle (only a few people will understand this one)
-An educated guess: are all motorcyclists French? Maybe.

PS. Who's ready for It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia?

This Just In: Michelle Obama Can Kick My Ass

Yup, she can. I bet she can kick your ass too.

That is all.

An Open Letter to Victoria('s Secret)

Hey Vikki,

So, I remember when I was younger and I'd wait with baited breath to see your little catalog show up in our mailbox... I'd rush out to get the mail nearly every day in hopes that I'd snag that sweet bit of publication before my mom found it.

Back then your pages were adorned with beautiful women in scantily clad "outfits" and I won't like.. I love every second of it. I'm guessing that somewhere down the road a therapist will tell me it was my adolescent obsession with thumbing through the pages of each and every installment that's warped my sense of what my ideal woman should be, but I simply don't give a damn.

The lovely young lady who lived in our residence before us must have been an avid customer of yours because a catalog addressed to her recently shimmied through our mail slot and onto our entry way floor. I have to admit, upon seeing your name scrawled across the top of that gleaming magazine weight cover I got a little twinge of sentiment for days gone by...

However, when I opened the cover... no skin. Flip a couple pages - no skin. Flip a few more - HANDBAGS? What in the heck Vikki? What happened to the little bit of erotica wrapped in a growing corporate idea that used to bring me, my friends and a billion other sex-starved teens their daily dose of almost porn?

We're through...

Yours,

Ron

p.s. I'm don't mean it baby. Please take me back.

The proverbial dear john letter for work

XXX,

I will be departing XXX on August 27, 2008. It’s time for a change in scenery. When I entered college, I wanted my career to take me places that I couldn’t imagine. That’s why I’ve decided to become an astronaut. Undoubtedly, this career change will help me pursue my goal.

I don’t know if you read the recent story on C|Net, but NASA is hurting for spacepeople. I always wanted to serve my country; I just didn’t have the nerve to serve in the military. Finally I can make the United States people proud and do my duty.

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin have nothing against me. Frankly, I could take either one of those guys in a fight. We both know the moon landing was faked on a Hollywood back lot. It’s time for me to do well and show those red Russians they can’t fuck with me. Eat your heart out Putin.

Space exploration has yet to see the records I’m going to set. Has anyone ever gotten drunk in space? Doubtful. Anyone ever opened the airlock on one of their crew as a prank? Probably not; but soon to change. Has a moonman ever spacewalked just to play a pathetic romance song to prove his love for someone significant (circa John Cusak)? I think not, but that’s soon to change.

Some people complacently live their lives. Others decide to push the limits. I am one of those people that decided to push to limits. So here I go, I’m pushing the limits. See me? I’m pushing them right now. I’m pushing them harder than Michael Phelps. I’m pushing them as hard as I possibly can (thanks Mooninites).

It took a lot of alcoholic beverages to write this letter. I hope it is grammatically correct; I hope the spelling is correct, too.

I’m sure I’ll see you again. After all, our planet size dwindles in comparison to that of others in our universe. In fact, the chances of us crossing paths are more likely than me finding life on Mars. Sorry NASA, but it’s true. I’m sure I’ll see you soon.

Regards and Thanks,

B

Random post, to keep this blog alive

Random random random. I'm listening to Bad Astronaut right now, it's pretty awesome.

I witnessed a drug deal the other day. I don't have much else to say about that.

If you're an uninsured motorist, you can go to hell.

There's 15 minutes left until I get to leave work. YES! Only 15 minutes. There's two people in my office right now, including me. The other guy keeps making snorting noises with his nose. I should call his phone and say with a disguised voice, "I'm in the building right now, watching you, and you smell funny." Just to see what he says.

I'm going to a wedding reception this weekend that will also be attended by the governor's daughter. I plan to ask her what her mom is doing about that schmuck Dino Rossi. He's an ass clown.

There's still 10 minutes left in the work day. Well, I should probably go act busy.

Loves it!

It's Confirmed!

Criss Angel is STILL a toolbag.

Seattle traffic, Go F Yourself

That's right, I said it. Go fuck yourself. Seattle traffic, you're worse than herpes. Okay, maybe that's saying a bit too much, but seriously, you're getting out of hand. This morning I couldn't take my usual route to work because of this:


So I took another route, only to still be plagued by traffic woes. Seattle traffic, go fuck yourself.

I know we've got it bad, and I know a lot of other urban cities do too. All I'm saying is a few more people need to not take their cars to work, so that I can get to work in a more timely fashion. That is all.

Seattle traffic go fuck yourself. Okay, I'm done.

We I.D. under 45...

Apparently this guy thought he'd make an impression on the GOV by telling Chris Gregoire she couldn't enter Hannah's bar in Olympia.

Let's review...

Now, which one of these Gregoire's looks like they might be underage? I'd say the one in the green dress (That's Michelle. I'd be wrong though, since she just graduated college).

Kudos to the bouncer for standing his ground though.

On a side note.. Michelle... call me. Seriously.

Please Save Us Bill, This is Our Time of Need

Bill, we need you. You quit Microsoft and the whole greater-Seattle area starts to go to shit. I get it, you conquered the IT world, you made billions of dollars, you got arrested once (it's true, look it up), and you teamed up with your wife to cure horrible world problems. But seriously, you need to know what's going on around home. Case in point, yesterday there was a murder-suicide in Redmond, Washington. Redmond, Fucking, Washington!!! Sure, I would have expected this if we were talking Kent, or maybe even Everett, but Redmond? No, Redmond is full of rich Microsofties that eat rainbows and poop butterflies. Please, Bill, come home and right these wrongs. Next thing you know housing prices will drop and the Sonics will come back because they missed the rain.

Attention Mini Cooper Drivers of America: I hate you

Seriously... who drives a Mini?

That is all.

Summer School

Jeebus man… calm down. I’ve had a rough time what with Fake Steve going away, losing my iPhone and basically being a drunk…

Also, I have legitimate answers to the below…

1. Come in to work stumbling-drunk. OK, I didn’t do this one, but I came in stumbling hung-over many times.

2. Make awesomeness happen in the office while I’m out. Dude, the awesomeness was everywhere. All over the windows, definitely on your desk and in the blinds.

3. Get lucky. Yeah, I’m a freaking d-bag…

4. Have a most radical Fourth of July Weekend, possibly get arrested. You’re damn right I’m an American. U-S-A…U-S-A…

5. Insult a complete stranger. I told a street kid outside McDonalds to get a haircut and take a shower. Does that count?

6. Rent The Onion Movie and write a review on the Suite. I saw no reason to write a review of this. It was awesome and everyone should already know that.

7. Find the new cartoon that Seth McFarlen will be producing only on the Web. Unless it’s based on Heavy Metal, I don’t give a frak.

8. Discover a new species of insect in the Pacific Northwest. I hate bugs.

9. Wake up one morning in Mexico, with a snake tattoo on his ass and three empty bottles of Tequila next to him. I don’t think I’m allowed in Mexico anymore… you know S is Fd when you aren’t allowed ina country that brought the world cock fights and donkey shows…

10. Commit at least five Seattle Clichés. Visiting the observation deck at the Needle counts. I’m already way beyond this stuff… I’ve lived here for 3 years now.

11. Say at least one outrageous thing on a conference call. Example, “oh man, I just laughed so hard I pooped a little.” You know I say stuff all the time… gimme the points a- hole.

12. Find a guest blogger to write on the Suite about how this blog has changed their life, or how it has not changed their life at all. Everyone I found that read our blog regularly was either a) too drunk to write b) too busy being awesome to write or c) all of the above.

13. Document all of the above on the Suite. Yeah, yeah, yeah…

I don’t care if I fail… graduation is for quitters.

And now, the obligatory picture you've all been asking for...

Here, have one more.


Aloha.

Dear Mrs. Ronsie,

I'm sorry to have to contact you with this news, but your son is failing. Case-in-point, he has yet to turn in any work on an assignment that was distributed over two weeks ago. Let's review:

1. Come in to work stumbling-drunk. FAIL.

2. Make awesomeness happen in the office while I’m out. WELL, MAYBE, I'M CHECKING WITH SOURCES.

3. Get lucky. SIGNS POINT TO NO.

4. Have a most radical Fourth of July Weekend, possibly get arrested. PASSED, WITH FLYING COLORS, NO PUN INTENDED.

5. Insult a complete stranger. FAIL.

6. Rent The Onion Movie and write a review on the Suite. FAIL.

7. Find the new cartoon that Seth McFarlen will be producing only on the Web. FAIL.

8. Discover a new species of insect in the Pacific Northwest. FAIL.

9. Wake up one morning in Mexico, with a snake tattoo on his ass and three empty bottles of Tequila next to him. FAIL.

10. Commit at least five Seattle Clichés. Visiting the observation deck at the Needle counts. FAIL.

11. Say at least one outrageous thing on a conference call. Example, “oh man, I just laughed so hard I pooped a little.” I'LL JUST GIVE THIS ONE TO HIM.

12. Find a guest blogger to write on the Suite about how this blog has changed their life, or how it has not changed their life at all. FAIL.

13. Document all of the above on the Suite. FAIL, FAIL, FAIL.

I wish I had better news, but I don't. Unless he pulls a complete Uee in the next few days, he'll be receiving an F.

Good Day.

She's a Brick(ed) Phone

She's anything but mighty mighty right now, I'll tell you that much.

Yes, I'm a fiend... I came into the office this morning, hooked up my iPhone and started downloadeing the new 2.0 software version. Things were going well, I had an OK download speed. I even made it into setup...

THEN... NETWORK ERROR.

I have a feeling lots of people are seeing this same error:

We could not complete your iTunes Store request. The network connection timed out.

Make sure your network settings are correct and your network connection is active, then try again.

MY network settings? MY network connection? I just got the "it's not me, it's you" from Apple when they are the tards who didn't appropriate enough servers to adequately handle a launch of a new phone and software version on the same day...

All I want is my text messaging back...

I’ll have the seared Ahi, a side of optimism, and the biggest, tallest, stiffest drink you’ve got.

Summer is here! And with it my work has brought a shitload of annoyances. But have no fear, I’m taking a vacation next week. Suck on that!

That’s right, this Suite author will be living in the lap of luxury for the next two weeks on the beautiful island of Kauai. In true B-form, not a single picture of me will be taken without my obligatory mai tai in hand.

In some unrelated notes, I thought I should give you all an update on some recent events:

1. I attended a wedding of some close friends over the weekend. The following shenanigans ensued:

a. With a lisp in my voice, the groom and I purchased his unity candle at Michael’s. To which the cashier responded with, “That’s okay, we allow that here. It’s Michael’s.”

b. As per my usual, I ripped a hole in the knee of my tux while doing a knee slide to an MJ song (Billy Jean, to be exact).

c. I watched a morbidly obese kid get shoveled into the back of a pick up truck outside of O’Blarney’s after he passed out from drinking.

d. I went home with a bride’s maid.

e. I did NOT throw up on my mother in law’s car on the way home. Yes! Finally proof that I’m not a raging alcoholic.

Well, that’s really all I’ve got right now. I’ll be leaving the Suite to Ronsie for the next two weeks. I’ve assigned him the following homework:

1. Come in to work stumbling-drunk.

2. Make awesomeness happen in the office while I’m out.

3. Get lucky.

4. Have a most radical Fourth of July Weekend, possibly get arrested.

5. Insult a complete stranger.

6. Rent The Onion Movie and write a review on the Suite.

7. Find the new cartoon that Seth McFarlen will be producing only on the Web.

8. Discover a new species of insect in the Pacific Northwest.

9. Wake up one morning in Mexico, with a snake tattoo on his ass and three empty bottles of Tequila next to him.

10. Commit at least five Seattle Clichés. Visiting the observation deck at the Needle counts.

11. Say at least one outrageous thing on a conference call. Example, “oh man, I just laughed so hard I pooped a little.”

12. Find a guest blogger to write on the Suite about how this blog has changed their life, or how it has not changed their life at all.

13. Document all of the above on the Suite.

With that, I bid you all a good day. Talk with you in late July.

Dear Sir Richard Branson

I'm usually all about Americans helping Americans, but this is a time for action. Sir Richard Branson, we need your help.

We need you to start Virgin Cable and Internet in the United States.

We've dealt with Comcast, Charter and Time Warner far too long. We've dealt with service interruptions, outrageous prices and broken promises for far too long. We won't take lightly, oh we won't take lightly having our bandwidth regulated and our downloads capped. For we, Sir Richard Branson, on this the twenty-fifth day of June, two-thousand-and-eight anno domini are asking for your help.

You've conquered the music business, air travel, even soda... please, conquer the US cable market. Now, noble knight of Jolly Old, slay the beasts that are Comcast, Charter and Time Warner with your battle axe of logic and scimitar of wit - I emplore you.

Until such a time comes, I remain ever-steadfast in my devotion.

Truly Yours,

Ronsie, Esq.

p.s. If you could see fit to spare some of your lovely birds from your airlines to act as technicians, that'd be splendid.

The World Ends on Friday... or in 12 Days 14 Hrs. 54 Min.

And, 34, no 33, no 32.... Ah F it.

So, I've come to the conclusion, after reading Revelation, the Talmud and Gizmodo that the world will either end on Friday or when the Large Hadron Collider at CERN is switched on.

Why Friday you ask? I'll tell you why... right after the break.

AND WE'RE BACK! So, many of you know, unless you're living in a world devoid of any outside media, that Bill Gates will retire from Microsoft this week. By ending his streak at the helm (even when Ballmer is running things) that swashbuckler of software piracy and geek-chic originator will leave the declining company at exactly the right time... only problem is, then there's no one ot fix everything when the world has BSOD and we all go down the shitter.

If we SOMEHOW find enough people in a foreign country to troubleshoot our way through Gate's leaving, it'll only be about a week and a half longer until we can usher in the end of the world when a bunch of nerds in labcoats try to ram atoms together in a gigantic Hadron collider at CERN.

Why? Why the hell not. They built the thing and damn well intend on using it. Who cares if it could rip holes in the time-space continuim bigger than Pamela Andersons deep, gaping... huh? I can't say that? Oh well, you know where I was going. Oh yeah, her big huge BLACK HOLE. You couldn't stop me from using that one.

Needless to say, we're all F-ed DUCK AND COVER PEOPLE, DUCK AND COVER!

At least Monday is almost over.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I hope you had the time of your life.

Well, This last weekend was commencement for many young high school and college graduates. Cheers to you guys. Or, as my brother would say, "you're fucked now." Let's face it, either you're going on to more school, finally getting a real job, or camping out in Mom's basement--none of these options scream Rawesome.

Anyway, back to what I started this post about: I attended my bro-in-law's high school graduation on Saturday. The ceremony was, well, it kinda blew goats if you know what I mean. I got to see my brother walk, which was cool and we were all proud of him. BUT, there were four student speakers. All of which clearly didn't understand what it means to speak at your graduation. One person even reverted to "oh the places you will go" by Dr. Suess. I love the doctor as much as the next guy, but come on, that's sooo 1999.

Fortunately, once we all got to the BBQ following commencement, drinking ensued. So a good time was had by all.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this. If you're a student speaker at your graduation, make it cool. Go on stage without any pants, insult everyone you wanted to insult during your four years, flip someone the bird, take a cell phone call, show up intoxicated, Streak off stage, implant profanity into your speech, just make it cool.

Congratulations class of 2008! By the power invested in me by absolutely no higher power or figure of government, I declare you approved to move on and start your lives.

This is so over

To the week of June 8, 2008:

We're through. Let's face it. You don't like me and I don't like you. It's been that way since the get-go. Fortunately I've reigned victorious over you. Despite a lot of shitty-shit this week at work, it was still successful (at least).

If I'm not getting my point across, I wrote a Eulogy for you, Week of June 8, 2008:
You're a Douche-nugget. Rest in peace... In hell.

Goodbye Week of June 8, 2008. I'm glad I'll never have to see you again.

To the week of June 16, 2008:

I've got big plans for you my friend; unlike that asshole week of June 8. You and I are gonna rock it so hard. I think I might already be falling for you, like a prepubescent tweener at summer camp. Oh man, this going to be so Rawsome.

Off to the Bat Cave. Seacrest OUT!
(ever notice Ryan doesn't actually say that anymore?)

Spot on front of iPhone not camera - IT'S JESUS!

Photo from Gizmodo.com

Even Brian Lam's minions are running stories about this smudge-looking thing on Schiller's phone.

I shipped this photo, the video and a 3D rendering over to my buddy at the University of Washington, and here's what he came up with:

IT'S FREAKING JESUS PEOPLE!

Now, we've all been calling this the jesusPhone for a while, but it turns out that the new 3G iPhone actually carries the power of Christ within it.

Here's the actual image blown up...

http://i193.photobucket.com/albums/z217/killalamf/faith/BlackJesus3.jpg

Turns out there was a bit more truth to Dogma than we thought. Jesus was a brotha!

I promise this is my last iPhone related post until launch.

Let's Talk about Text Baby

The following cellular phone text transcript was received thanks to the freedom of information act from the records of Steven P. Jobs. It was sent on June 9, 2008.

iSteve: Faceberg you dirty motherfucker, did you just see me rock that keynote like it owed me money? I had Brian Lam eating out of the palm of my hand that little shit. Let's see him talk crap about Apple now. Just wait till I introduce the iPhone 5G (yeah, we're fucking skipping over 4 - 4 is for pussies and Freetards) right before those idiots at Googledy Glop drop their Android BS.

MarkyZ1984: Who is this? IDK who u r.

iSteve: What the fuck are you doing? Why are you typing like it’s AOL in 1998. Aren’t you using the iPhone 3G I sent you last week?

MarkyZ1984: Steve? Is dat u?

iSteve: Yes, Mark. It’s me. I’m texting you from THE iPhone. The one I whipped out of my pocket and slayed the beasts with at the WWDC today. Man, you should have seen those fanboys. Even that tech guy from the Journal, who had seen this thing 2 months ago, sprouted a tiny little old-man hard on.

MarkyZ1984: Shit. Sry man. We’re hammered @ FB.

MarkyZ1984: 8008135. LOLOL.

iSteve: So, that’s why you didn’t call me for our usual post-engagement chat. I see… And, by your continued use of retarded typing, I can only assume you pawned the iPhone 3G, for more money to play the ponies, just like the other 4 iPhones I’ve given you. Correct?

MarkyZ1984: Fucking BigBrown. Lost all my $. I’m sry. : ‘ (

iSteve: You’re a shitshow kid. I’m sending a jet. You, me, Gore and Bono are going to go up to my yurt in the woods and have a good old fasion guys’ weekend. Just sweat, meditation and cactus-derived drugs. It’ll change your whole perspective on things.

MarkyZ1984: Put me down for a 20 sack.

MarkyZ1984: Sry. Wrong person.

iSteve: OK. Pack your shit kid. We’re doing this the hard way. I can’t even get one day off to launch my damn iPhone 3G without having to nanny you or Bill or Gore…

Stevey, we need to talk

Yesterday Jobsy released a new iPhone. “Hi, customer. We created a new product for you. It does everything the first one did, and more. A lot more. And, since you shelled out an ass-ton of money for the first one, we’re gonna charge you less for this one. As if the added features aren’t enough salt rubbed into your wounds.

I’d like to think that after the release, Bad Boy Billy Gates called up Stephen, much like a defeated presidential candidate. I hope it went something like this:

Stephen: Hello

NO RESPONSE

Stephen: Hello? Who is this? Is that you Faceberg? You little shit.

Billy: Um… Hi Stevey. It’s me, Bill.

Stephen: Oh, hi Bill. You sound down. What’s wrong? Did Malinda take away your computer again?

Billy: No no. Nothing like that. It’s… It’s… Well, it’s just… I don’t know.

Stephen: Spit it out Bill. What’s wrong? Do I need to come up to Redmond?

Billy: Well, it’s just that everything you make is so sexy and popular. Freetards rejoiced for your new iPhone. People don’t even like my new products. They tell me to just keep selling my old products because they’re easier to use.

Stephen: So? Would you expect anything less? I’m awesome; you’re not. I know it hurts, don’t worry, I’m making a product for that too. The iTherapist.

Billy: iTherapist?! What the shit? I can’t even get people excited about Windows seven and you’re packaging Therapy now?!

Stephen: Bill, calm down. You’re not doing yourself any favors.

BILLY CRYING

Billy: I just want people to like me. I want to be popular like you. I want people live bloging about my product releases—in a good way. I want it to be like it used to be, when my money made me cool and I could get arrested for speeding in my Porche.

Stephen: You know we can’t live in the past. SNAP! That’s my next product. The iPast. All your memories in a cool looking handheld device.

BILLY CRYING LOUDER

Stephen: Look, Bill, I’d love to talk, but I really have to get going.

BACKGROUND ON STEPHEN’S PHONE: “Steve, get off the phone. Come on. We’ve got kegs and hookers to celebrate the iPhone launch.

Stephen: Bill, I really need to go.

Billy: Stephen, I thought you’d want to help me. I guess not. BTW, I’ve just purchased the majority share in your company. You’ll be pitching unusable, ugly and annoying products by the end of the year.

CLICK

Stephen: Dickhead.

ISPs Finally Say "No" to Kiddie Porn, CEOs Wipe Hard Drives

June 10, 2008 - Wait, it's 2008 and these guys are just doing this? I thought it was a "15 years ago piece." Wow, I'm way off...

Apparently, in their infinite wisdom, Sprint, Verizon and Time Warner Cable have agreed to block access to child pornography and eliminate the material from their servers. See the story here.

Wait, wait, wait... so, nudie pics of kids aren't cool? Jeebus guys, it took you this long to get this signed-off on?

Who wants to open up the betting with which high-mucky-muck at these places will be indicted on kiddie porn charges first? My bet is on Verizon... you know that guy from the commercials has an external hard drive or two chocker-block full.

Want a Prius? Too Bad, Bill Gates Bought Them ALL!

I took a nice little trip across the Evergreen Point Floating Bridge to Redmond the other day for a meeting. I have only been to the MSFT campus a few times, and never really looked around. Everything was going well until... all of a sudden... I was surrounded by a pack of Priuses (Prii? Priusis?) branded to the hilt with MSFT's "Connector" stickers.

It's not enough that Microsoft employees can bus it to work from basically anywhere in the Greater Seattle area, now they have a fleet of Priuses (damn, someone needs to find out the plural of that word) that they can harass the cities in also?

Remember a while back when no one could buy a Prius (pfew, no plural needed) because they were in shortage? Yeah... it's because Microsoft was hoarding them in their spiffy and eco-friendly underground parking lots.

I bet they also are the ones who buy up the iPhones, just to piss Apple Fanboys off.

Another iPhone 2.0 Blog Post

I've had my differences with the mock turtlenecked one. I even opened up this page with the intent of ranting and making fun of yesterday's keynote at the WWDC... the fact of the matter is; I can't.

The iPhone 3G is F-ing amazing. It is nicer-looking, CHEAPER and they had Robert Downey Motherfucking Junior doing the voiceover for the damn commercial. I was worried we'd be introduced to the iPhone by Coldplay whining about something, so that was a definite joy.

His Steveness... you did it.

I'm already prepping my line camping gear for the release since you won't be able to pre-order, or order from the comfort of my own home office in my Scooby-Doo underoos. In the event that I'm actually forced to wait with the commoners on line at U. Village, I'll be live-blogging it on here. Get ready for the wild rumpus to begin!

And one more thing...

BOOM!

Art of the Insult

Once upon a time you could inflict moral and mental pain on someone with the simplest of insults. For example: Your momma is so fat she can't wipe her own behind. Hey, 1985 called, they'd like you to return their hair cut. I could have done that better than you if I had no hands or feet.

Unfortunately, some of those insults just don't quite cut it anymore. That's why I've taken to the philosophy that you can really rile someone's feathers by taking something as simple as a fraction and combining it with the word "retarded." The premise is so simple and elegant, anyone can become a pro at what I'm going to start calling, "the Fractard" insult.

For example, you watch someone driving their car, changing lanes without blinkers or checking their mirrors and blind spots. Pretty annoying, huh? That person is likely 1/5 retarded.

If you're in a restroom, and you see someone finish their business and leave the lavatory without washing their hands, that person is likely 3/4's retarded.

The size of the fraction determines the weight of the insult. Fully retarded doesn't work. Becuase then you're just calling someone mentally challenged, and if they really are, that's not cool. However, if you catch a competent human doing something annoying or stupid, you'd best start matching up their idiotness with the correct fraction. Keep in mind a larger fraction doesn't always mean a more impactful insult.

If you don't understand this theory, you might be 1/3 retarded.

Mr. Brightside

So, it was brought to my attention last night that I've been neglecting the Suite lately. To my dedicated readers, I apologize. There's been some recent events in the lives of the Suite 206 authors that have hampered our creative, out-of-the-package, sarcastic thinking. That said, I've managed to think up some interesting tidbits to share with you while I was driving to work this morning. Here you go:

1. To this day, my company president thinks I danced on a table in a San Francisco bar to the tune of Mr. Brightside by The Killers. I didn't. Sorry.
2. For the first time in my quarter-century life, I saw my older brother cry.
3. I cursed like an Englishman at the fat woman that cut me off on I-5 this morning. You had it coming. Who the hell pulls into the left lane at 50 MPH, with a car coming up (me) at 75 MPH, and doesn't even look in their mirror? I hope you have a flat tire waiting for you on your return commute this afternoon.
4. Work. ...Uhg.
5. I saw a life-sized, stuffed, orange camo, shark sitting outside of a building on Madison Street this morning. WTF?!
6. I am more than disappointed to find out that this is a fake video. And still, I have to remain faithful to AOTS for breaking the story in the Court of Shenanigans.
   
7. How much would you pay to watch a fist fight between Faceburg, Gates, and The Woz? I know I would pay A LOT. Man, that would be awesome and Rad. It would be Rawesome.
   

Oh no he did-n't

In the political equivalent of the "upper decker" Barack Obama gave his speech in the same St. Paul, Minnesota arena where John McCain, the Republican Party presidential candidate will accept the nomination of his party.

I'm going to take some time out to give some snaps to the speech writers... snap, snap, snap, snap (yeah, that was four). It was like a freaking Beatles concert in there with people excited to the point of tears.

Now, I'll admit it... I spent a majority of my life as a conservative, but I also grew up in Eastern Washington, so you can't hold that against me. But, Johnny boy... don't sell your condo just yet. You might not need that U-Haul you have reserved to take your stuff to 1600 Pennsylvania.

Update - 7:32 PDT
Money quote: ... religion as a wedge and patriots as bludgeons

Update - 7:53 PDT
Awesome camera work and camera placement by the Obama campaign team. At the end a lot of people stayed, but the camera angles of him rubbing elbows and shaking hands made it look like that place was still packed to the rafters.

Update - 7:55 PDT
Here's text of the speech

Twitter's Full

So, I tried logging in to Twitter today to let everyone know that I just blew my nose and what did I see? This stupid F-ing whale being ferried about by Octuplet doves or something.

How in the world am I supposed to know what my friends are doing AT THIS EXACT MOMENT? What's next? Facebook status updates?

Whoever is F-ing with my interwebs and taking away my Tweets, please stop. I'm looking in your direction Steven P. Jobs. I know you're using a lot of the cybernet for your upcoming iPhone 2 release and that you've got to keep that baby a'rolling, but come on. I'm seriously freaking out here and I just took a dump and need to let every single one of my "followers" know.

Crap, shit, crap, crap, crap.

I'm pretty sure today sucks. Actually, I know it sucks. Today sucks.

Hey, did you know today totally sucks? Yep, it sucks.

Go to hell Wednesday.

LOOK OUT! SHE'S EXCITED!

Wow... contain yourself there Hill.

Apparently (we're told from her staffers) Clinton was "ecstatic" after her win in a state that I'm told is called West Virginia. I've never heard of it or been there, so I can't confirm that.

One of the things they didn't mention was what Clinton was ecstatic about... was it that she's almost done with this charade of a candidacy? Is it that she was given the highest honor from the W. Virginia White People's Association after her incredibly racially-divided victory in that alleged state? Did she find a quarter in the couch and say "woo hoo! Now I'm only out like $9,999,999.75. Check the other cushions!"

Hill-bear, drop out now and save some face. No one thinks you're a fighter, you're kind of like the guy who doesn't "get it."

Don't you have some senator-ing to be doing anyway?