An open letter to pregnant Jamie

Dear Jamie Lynn Spears,

In case you haven't been reading the news, you're prego. My fellow man might like to call you a whore. I on the other hand will refrain. You're prego. That's all there is to it. You got sloppy one night and now you're dealing with it. Do I care? No, not really. Why the media have latched on to you and your fertilized egg is beyond me. Lord knows you'll probably make a better mom than your idiot sister.

I would like to point out that the book that your mother is writing is the biggest load of crap ever, however. Come on, a serious book about parenting? She's the one that cursed us with Brittany and all of the idiocrocy she shares with us via the tabloids everyday.

I guess what I'm saying is: hurry up, marry some sleaze we all know you'll divorce, poop out a child or two, make an ass out of yourself by shaving your head, and fall off into a life of obscurity. I don't care that you've got a bun in the oven. Please ask the media to stop talking about it--because I don't give a shit.

Regards,
Someone who could care less

Merry Freakin' Christima. I hate Merry.

We've reached the end of the year! The holidays are in full swing, as are high levels of stress, drinking, empty checking accounts, and a general loathing for holiday spirit. I think that about says it all.

Christmast turned my red balls blue

My uncensored Xmas wish list...

• One iPhone
• The latest version. None of this take this and then we'll come out with something better in 2 months bullshit. Hey, Steven P. Jobs, you fucknut. Listen up... no more of this shit. Oh yeah, a mime wrote me an e-mail (because he doesn't talk) and said he wanted his mock turtle neck back. Go fuck yourself.

• 15 minutes alone with Kristen Bell
• I'm not saying I'd need the whole 15, but still...

• World Peace
• I'm not into this for some hippy reason. I think there's money to be made here. What about peace monitors who walk around and make sure everyone is loving each other the exact same? Weapons recycling anyone? Don't steal my ideas.

• A Girlfriend
  
• I wished for this one last year and got Fd in the A. Santa has some poor taste in women... but I guess when you're surrounded by chicks the size of 3 year olds and an old lady you kind of developed a warped sense. I guess I just always figured the real reason why Santa went around the world was to get some strange ass.

That's it. I'm pretty simple.

P.S. Hey fat fuck. If you don't get it right this year I'm going to be waiting at the bottom of the chimney next year with a roll of DUCK brand duct tape and a shovel. I think we know where that leads...